Past

I don’t hold on to the past or try to make life change from what it is today. I physically can’t change anything and my life can’t be on pause living in what ifs or maybes.

My path is different and life is so different, but as I sit here watching some trashy tv program where people are defining there definition of love and at the moment love is something massively on my mind.
I could have a total new life if I let it, someone new has made it very clear they are falling for me…I don’t understand how this seems to happen to me, but is a moral boost none the less.

But I can’t explain the feelings I have right now, I still only want to marry one girl a girl who is the most beautiful, caring and amazing girl I ever meet. Life gave us an impossible task and the whole experience has been life changing.
Moments I cried, moments she cried moments of sadness but moments of joy, moments of laughter and even more moments of laughter.
I now know the meanings of words I only ever read or sang about before and believe in love, soulmates and best friends too.
I miss Random walk in rain and mud, I miss strolls along the beach, drinks in all sorts of pubs and meals in our favourite restaurants, singing in the car, trips away and the smile on the selfies the amazing cooking and cakes and just the general smile I had as I walked the street proud of someone else.

The roller coaster may have stopped the ride may now be broken but the adventure I took and the moments we shared with live with me forever and no body can ever take them away.

I have been receiving messages from someone trying to make me hate my past and even seek revenge on her, but maybe you can read this and read my words this way as you don’t understand my silence, it’s me saying thank you for your care and I understand, but we don’t live in a black and white world and only one other human being who gets why and that’s all that matters too me.

I don’t care about the drama, I don’t care about the tears, I will never get to hold hands, kiss good night, cuddle, buy a disarano or so much as even lay my eyes on my soulmate ever again in my life…so someone trying cause more trouble, I don’t and I’m sure she doesn’t appreciate.

I am fully aware she is the only one who can contact me, your comments don’t help pointing the obvious is not helping.

I do miss…

I have been dating etc and feeling happy and I am trying everyday to continue it.

But all of a sudden, can’t believe I am actually gonna say this I miss my ex…a lot. I told my friend earlier and she said how? How can you after everything you have been through?
I sat in court last week and I told myself I would never ever let myself think this, but I can’t help it, I would probably forgive her tbh.

I got thinking about all the fun we had the life style we lived just the two people we were the couple I always dreamed of being “that couple” and yeah I miss it.

Doesn’t make me weak to say I miss someone regardless of what ya happened, I understand it and yeah…I get it all. Guess it shows me how much she meant to me.

Been an odd day today, but found my self in the London commute day dreaming about her.

Maybe I am crazy, but I can’t help how I feel atm.

Had too…

….I was angry at stages recently and people say I should hate, but I don’t and I can’t explain why because I don’t wanna say it, but I really don’t all I hate is the outcome caused nothing else.

I still care and am here as always, I may never see or laugh with again but I am here and still wanna remain here for only reasons they know nobody else and I don’t need to explain.

As I read something sad my urge to be at a bar with them tonight is massive more then ever.

Be safe and be sensible, your never alone

Been a while

So I haven’t blogged in a while.

My life has been torn apart ripped up, set on fire and slowly put back together.
My job, my lifestyle, me personally everything has changed but change is good for everyone.
I do smile again, I do the living thing, I am social and mix, I’m getting back to my best.
I have experienced some of the worst most difficult times, being treat like a criminal is the worst experience of my life which I won’t ever forget and Iv also experienced one of my best friends getting married which was amazing but like wise heart breaking as I still sat and wished it was me and my ex at the time.
I have been angry at times and sad at others but I drove past my ex yesterday and my heart skipped a beat and went mad, it shouldn’t have. I also read her blog and smiled I remember the life style the fun the smiles the laughs and randomness.

I shouldn’t be saying this and I won’t do anything about it, but I would do anything to have a drink with her I just wanna go the middle of no where just me and her and laugh with her again. But I accept she doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore.

I can’t think this, but….it doesn’t matter.