Pissed off

Getting really really pisssed off tonight.

I have very little sleep so this is not helping I wish I could sleep properly I get about 4 hours average at the moment I don’t have any days off at all anymore I work both jobs and have done for the last few weeks I HAVE to stay busy. It’s helping me.

But my brother is a p**** I have over heard his conversation earlier about me slagging me off for thinking I know everything, then slagging my relationship off this really pissed me off.

Telling her his new lass how much better a couple they are because they do it properly and how they nicer me and my ex were cocky etc etc he didn’t realise I heard.

My relationship may be over but he will never experience the bond I had with my
Ex partner.

I’m literally in bed fuming I heard that, it’s bad enough I’m lonely and spend days fighting for this new life I have to be able to motivate myself with out stupid comments behind my back about a subject he knows nothing about.

I am very fatigued so my brain isn’t think rationally I know, but still it pisses me off.

I could do with out this when I’m still battling the missing her!!

but I’m starting to think it’s me maybe I am this awful person, he thinks I’m a dick my ex hates my guts. My relationship is ending up in court and I’m so lonely I have literally no one at all to talk to or go out with.

 

maybe it’s me maybe everything is right

I am Sorry

This is for the girl that I fell in love with. You we’re my best friend and I never thought the day would come that you would walk away from me.

 

I should have been a better person before I met you but I wasn’t yet, at that stage of my life. I was blind. You taught me real love.

I asked you so many times “why do you like me?” and you would always gave me the most amazing reasons. If I had not been so blind I would have told you before it was too late, how much you meant to me.

I should have made some changes to better myself at the time. After all, it was for my benefit that I should have done them.

I hurt you, and it has been so painful for me to know that I did.

Now I do not get your love and friendship that I miss so much because I don’t deserve it.

I dream about you a lot, and I wake up thinking and wondering about you almost every morning. I pray that someday you may forgive me, and maybe call me, but I know it’s wishful thinking and it may not happen.

Our connection was unique and like no other I’ve ever had in my life and I truly miss it, even though it might be gone for you.

Your lovely eyes that showed me emotion and love, happiness, and pain, your amazing attitude & smile and caring ways will never be forgotten by me.

I’m sorry that I let you down, and if you ever have a change of heart, I would be a better person to you so that you could be proud to call me your bubs again.

I will always love you and always be sorry

Hates my guts

I just woken up and read two heart breaking blogs.

I am missing this perfect young lady so much. I can’t stop worrying she’s going to kill herself. I read about our last bank holiday together and can’t agree more with how amazing it was.

I wish I could see her, wish we could go out for dinner or a beer just hate this abso mess.

But she still hates me and I’m not allowed to do anything 😦

This is like a nightmare, I just prey she will be sensible and prey should turn to me.

But she hates my guts 😦

Memories

Iv just sat and watched videos of my and my ex partner, everything from her driving like a maniac and me winding her up, to mini golf which makes me think of us messing around to us singing to my phone in a cocktail bar.

Then pictures of scrabble, pick and mix, beers and cocktails, 3 course meal in our new fav pub, to fields from our walks.

Then Iv memories of walking around in wellies, being blown around a sea front, many many costa coffees, lots of shopping and trips to London.

I shared all this in a couple months with my best friend the one person I told everything to the only person I needed in life the one person I trusted my abso amazing and heroic partner. She was my everything my dream come true she is perfection and I never experienced love like it or been prouder of anyone in my whole life I even find now I say yeah Aimee did that or yeah Aimee does this…yet it pains me she now hates me.

But what scares me the most is her ending her life, I would do anything in the world for her to not do that. I don’t have any bad feelings towards anything that has taken place at all it happens can’t change it, I still adore her and miss her so very much but I’m so scarred she will do something silly 😦

I just wish she would pluck the courage to talk to me, if you read his please do so I don’t hate you I adore and miss you.

Why can’t we have our life back 😦

Miss you too

I don’t know what to write but am numb at what I read.

I don’t care for what’s happening, Friday nights msg was incredible painful and I can’t not think about it.

But…I miss my ex as just as much as she does and I’d give my life for another day in the life I had.

I can’t stop feeling rubbish about my reaction, but I also can’t stop how much I adore this young lady.

I am completely destroyed by not seeing her, the thought of her trying to end her life is awful it would be the end of my world to know she had killed herself.

She is and always will be the love of my life, can’t bare reading it.

Just wish she would talk with me!!

Devastated

I’m totally devastated, I received the worst text message I have ever received last night. It managed to help me not sleep at all.

I am struggling to believe what has happened in my life in the space of 2/3 weeks. I can’t quite understand how I have gone from being madly in love too literally the bottom of a gutter, I’m leaving the best job Iv ever had, I’m due in court soon, I can’t take my new job at the airport and can never live my dream as a pilot, Iv a solicitor which is costing me a fortune, Iv lost my soulmate, my best friend and I know she’s dating and also now know what she had planned for her night out with a stranger in great detail…. struggling to believe this is actually real.

I’m struggling to get my head around all of this and the image I now have is just the worst ever, it’s not real!!!!

Devastated, it’s becoming harder to believe she loved me 😦 I’m broken

Feeling odd

I want to blog about how I feel but I’m not sure I can put them into words as I’m not completely sure I know how I feel.
I am living my life, I am eating and working lots again as I’m determine to prov I can do it on my own, Iv pushed my limits on doing new things and are making some great changes, I wish I could have done them a few weeks earlier yet no matter how hard I’m trying and creating a new life for me, I really don’t want to. I want my old life.

I miss my ex partner and my best friend, I can’t imagine life’s main events marriage, family, moving out all the life things I can’t imagine experiencing any of this with anyone else. I fall asleep cuddling a blanket she used to sleep in a still have her picture in my mix on the wall.

Life is strange, it’s missing my other half yet I’m doing okay finally, I’m trying so hard I’m trying to ignore the impact on my life, yet one thing is I can’t stop blaming myself for all this mess and I can’t stop hating myself for my words and actions.

This life isn’t what I expected, I dream every night of her talking to me, but I’m accepting of her hating me and never seeing me again.

As the weekend comes it’s sad I have to go out with my bro and his work mates just to get out, life’s turned for the worst but I have to make the most of it, I need to continue as Jamie his not all bad.