Him

Iv learnt from all my experiences so much, my tweaks and changes are all a part of my challenges. I hate the tasks that were set but they all help mould a bigger and better person. That I’m most truly proud of.

But I need to blog, I’m struggling atm. My blogs read how much I miss Aimee, but this isn’t it. It’s him, still him. I can’t sleep atm and I can’t stop thinking of her, an think I know why. I can’t shift my migraine at all, for all I keep racking my brains. I can’t get this weekend out my head, I haven’t seen his face for nearly 12months and I never wanted to see him again. But his my Dad, I love my Dad but I hate him 😢
I cant get his anger his words out of my head, i wasnt ready to see him i wasnt ready for his verbal abuse, he won again i stayed strong on the surface but inside i feel apart.
I come to a house where im ignored, I’m a target of frustration or a bank balance to use I’m a driver to be driven around or the useless one.

I longed all my life for love, no body’s ever made me feel the centre of there life, nobody ever made me feel like they wanted me until I meet her but not only did she do this she was also my best friend, she was the holder of my hand. She was the massive tower of strength and the courageous one she helped make dreams feel reality but she was mine, she wanted to make me feel that way and wanted to devote that to a life time.
When I lost it, I lost indentation on life.
Everyday is a struggle but this weekend was awful, the more I wish she was around the more I realise why she’s not and it’s the more angry I get at myself.

I can’t explain what he did to me as a child, he has scarred my life, ruined my thought process and ruined some really important parts of my life, It helped ruin my chances of marrying her. I may never get the experience I longed for because the experiences I was made part of.

I’m fine I promise, I just feel so alone…I never wanted for somthing to be fixed so badly. I’m not sure why but my past the very beginning is beginning to destroy me a little bit by bit.

I’m sorry for all my blogs, but I don’t have anyone to talk to…an out is better then floating around atm.

im so lonely

2 thoughts on “Him”

  1. I don’t know you, but I have read your story all of it. Mate I feel your pain, I till very recently have been where you are. Its dark and pretty awful, mental health with a loved one is indescribable until your dealt with it. The pain of losing someone from not doing anything is unreal. But your life story on top of that is intense, you should be proud of what you have managed its pretty dam amazing. I envy your courage.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow thank you so much. I’m most definitely not courageous. But I always appreciate people’s comments 🙂 sorry to hear you were in this situation I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy! Appreciate the comment 🙂

    Like

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