It’s nearly 1am and I’m in a bit of state, todays been awful.
It’s got me thinking as normal, being spat at like your scum and being told your a peace of s*** from your own Dad his words have hurt because I hate him, but his supposed to be my Dad his supposed to be proud of me not treating like dirt.
Then my true love comes to my mind, I can’t stop thinking about her at the moment. But if we’re as incredible as I describe which isn’t a lie, why does she hate me so much?
It’s me, I have caused all of this. I have been racking my brains for what seems forever and all I can think of is the mistakes I made originally, I messed up I did something I hate myself for, I scared her I got obsessed and I did try to grab it, it’s doesn’t matter what my reasoning was I did…my split moment stupidity I did, it the biggest regret of my life, then when we broke up I messed it up, I tried to hard to fix my mess. But when she got ill my way of apology was to give up my life to help her, it pained me literally pained me to see her basically dying. But everyday I felt the guilt of scaring her, being a total a*****e.
But I had changed, an I thought I had done some good.
We had fallen in love for real this time and I thought she has forgiven me and this was fresh beginnings, I loved her so much I wanted to marry her everyday I was so proud that Was my girlfriend I’d tell all of social media everything I didn’t care what she weighed or any of her problems I adored her but I treat like my bride to be and messed up when others had taken over I thought it meant I had failed her, I felt I needed to be the one that made it better I had to because I needed to make a Mende.
This has been the most traumatic experience of my life, this should be the greatest and it’s all my fault, I made the biggest mistake of my life the first time round and I thought I’d made it right but now it’s all I can think of that I did wrong.
I feel like I deserve this feeling. I’m not crying as I’m a mess or feeling suicidal.
I just feel like it’s all my fault I deserved to lose my dad as I’m an awful son and I deserved to lose my beautiful girlfriend as I was a terrible boyfriend.
Everyday I dream of things getting better not with him just her but they never will because this is all my fault.
She doesn’t read any of this….but to god I’m so sorry from the bottom of my heart 😢 I didn’t mean any of it and I thought I had put it right 😢 but please please please stop punishing me, I beg for forgiveness I just want to be loved by my mum, Dad and most of all Aimee 😢😢😢