My end of year

I wanted to blog today to say goodbye to the worst year of my life.
This morning as I said goodbye to another girl, someone who had me smile last few weeks. For all she was lovely she just wasn’t a patch on Aimee.
As Iv just read from her 2017 has been intense, I fell in love with my soulmate we were the couple I dreamed of and I had planned the proposal which means tonight should have been so different. We were the perfect couple people would envy, we were not only in love but each other’s best friend she knew me better then I did and visa versa it was incredible and I loved her so much I wanted to see out the rest of my life with this girl I wanted to have a million adventures an experience a life we deserved and wanted together.
But unfortunately I watched my soulmate try to kill herself everyday she wanted to die physically and mentally she was dying I watched on as her illness made hate me, I can’t describe the feeling of your soulmate hating you. Iv never felt pain like it. She now no longer can stand to even talk to me, but she does every now and then, describe me in a good way.
Just wish she believed that no couple is perfect everyone had bad times but with love you work at them and anorexia well that takes a lot of work, clearly she believes someone else will be worth the work.
Also this year Iv said goodbye to my dad, Iv finally let go this week after he tried beating my brother up, that was enough.
I lost a lot of friends in fighting for Aimee and made my self depressed and suicidal I lost my dignity all in the fight of love.
But as 2017 does end…I finish on a high, I have my s*** well and truly together, I am positive I am confident and I will make 2018 the greatest year of my life. I haven’t made my self who I used to be I made myself a new person and with a new year it’s a whole new ball game.

I love my soulmate and I would do anything to tell her or anything for her. She’s not lost me she never did, anorexia did this not Aimee. I’m here for her/you anytime I always have an always will.

I hope you will read this, your my Aimee I adore you I’m so incredibly proud of you I just wish I could put my arms around you and tell you what you mean to me. Your the love of my life. But as that I have to respect your wishes as this is what you want.

Goodbye 2017 and hello 2018, bring it onn I’m excited 🙂

Goodbye past

I can’t sleep it’s 0230 in the morning and I want to blog.

So it happened, last night I was on a night shift and got a call from my brother upset, he had been to my dads and he flipped pinned my brother up against the wall by his throat he then tried to beat him and shut his hand in a door, he managed to throw him off and left.
I ran out of my work and drove so fast to his house I wanted to kill him, I think if I had knocked on his door I might of killed him, I hate him I absolutely hate him.
This evil horrible man has ruined my life, his actions his bullying has ruined my life, my childhood has messed with my head my judgments my mistakes are down to him. My brain has been programmed based on my experiences, I know I am my person and I ultimately decide what I do but I can’t help my worry or what I think because my brain can’t control it’s self.
This man ruined my childhood and it’s helped ruin my adult life too.
I was abused as a child I will admit that now after 30 years it took one person to help me understand to help me realise.
Aimee…that’s her, this girl I was meant to meet, this girl was supposed to become my wife this girl should have been my life. But I messed it up, I always mess up but never know why, I don’t understand why I make silly mistakes I don’t understand why I think the way I do, I hate the way I thought so i wanted to kill my self to stop me being him, but it turns out I never knew who I am with out this.
I miss Aimee every single second of every single day and I punish myself reading about her hating me and wanting to replace me… but somethings changed and I am becoming someone very different to who ever I was becoming a few months ago.

I have recently watched my best friend devastated by a family death, I have had a girl tell me she loved me, Iv had someone try so hard to help me become someone again, iv recently felt the proudness of my ex’s recovery and not be able to share my inner thoughts with her, Iv meet a new girl I like who’s way to good for me but is making me think before I act and making me take a new look on things, it’s nothing really but still she makes me smile and it’s making me think.

I don’t want a new relationship and I don’t want an old relationship back. I want to go into 2018 and I want to completely make it my own, I will be happy.

But I am finished with my past my childhood it won’t rule me anymore, that evil man is out of my life I never want to see him again.

What has come from this all right now as I end 2017 and it all, is that this journey began this year 3 people have made this happen my best friend has been to there every tear everyday and every challenge, my other friend is special she like wise had been my rock I haven’t had much opportunity to tell her how much I appreciate it but the love I have for her is unreal, then theirs Aimee…this girl made it stop she gave me the strength to stop seeing him she began this tough task I regret that at the time she was battling an even bigger problem which stopped her being by my side but last night she was right next to me, as I sat out side his house raging I was shaking I was so angry, I felt her arms around me and her lips by my ear as she whispered don’t let him win.

My Aimee no longer exsists she has been taken away by this awful illness and her battle is every single second, but she’s a little girl who’s scarred and wants to be loved. I love her more then I ever have and I can never ever replace her and I won’t ever try too. But I don’t think I will ever get to meet my Aimee again, an I know my amz would want me to keep standing up trying to be happy and she’s in my corner every choice.
This year has been awful but I have learnt so much from it, Iv begun a new adventure I won’t look back anymore, there’s only one part of my past I will remember that’s my soul mate Aimee, I will never forget her!

2017 is ending 2018 is the beginning!!

 

 

My Christmas

Christmas, is an amazing time of year for 70% of the population but not all.

Some people spend Christmas working or alone or in hospital or where it is they are, but as a society we seem to just assume everyone is a home with family around their tree and that everyone is smiling and being happy.

So i write this to describe the feeling i have this year, i was thinking earlier on today how i remember this time last year i spent the evening with Aimee..and remember having a great night as per usual. But at that current time we weren’t together and then thought i don’t remember actually spending Christmas around people feeling all that loved, which takes the spark away from the Christmas excitement.

Today i finished wrapping present and gave them to my Mum to take when she left, leaving one thing… A Card, yep i have a Christmas card i wrote to someone special to me that i cant send and don’t want too either to a degree.

It sits on my shelf and looks at me and is something i would like to share with her one day, as to the fact that i have respected her wish to show my feelings for her yet i didn’t stop thinking about her.

i Sent a text earlier on to say what i wanted to say and its not anything like what she would have expected i did not say how much i missed her or how much i loved her. But i know it would not send.

So my drive into work this evening was sad, i left an empty house to go to work for night shift having been sick today to spend the next 3 nights at work. I gave up my Christmas to someone who has a family and there is no one at home so i will spend Christmas asleep, working and alone at home and a Christmas dinner of a microwave meal…Which is kinda sad and wasn’t what i had expected.

But it is what it is, i have taken such a laid back approach to life ATM, i have learnt so much on this journey this year.

But i will continue to remain trying to be positive and smile.

I wish people would remember that Christmas is not as black and white for simple for everyone.

 

I wish everyone a happy Christmas.

Smile….gone!!!!

The smile hasn’t lasted, but why?

I had a date last Friday, I was so happy this girl had made me smile for the first time in 7months, I was intimidated about how beautiful she was but has an amazing evening.
But as few days have past, I’m still more concerned by my ex and her illness.
I don’t get why I’m pissing myself off, why does the girl who hates me and wants nothing to ever do with me appeal over someone who’s lovely has a huge heart and someone who genuinely wants to spend time with me?

What’s wrong with me? My lack of interest has messed it up, 5 days and I messed it up. What the f**k, am I stupid? I’m gonna be lonely for ever at this rate.

When will I stop being more concerned about someone who hates me. I’m making myself unhappy now!

Smile :)

So I just wanted blog a hugh change.

So I spent so long trying to communicate with my past, yet I was making my self unhappy, sad, depressed etc etc all the above I tried everything to talk to her as I was madly in love with her.
But a few weeks ago I stopped, I had had enough of trying and upsetting myself.
If the love was so strong…I wouldn’t have to fight for it.
This weekend has been incredible, I have a smile again. It’s been coming just needed to get moving.
Friday night was amazing, had a great night surprisingly but still, followed by Saturday night…which was amazing, but as was the works Christmas party in London, it was brilliant I haven’t smile and laughed so much In ages.
My colleges are incredible, they were telling me how concerned they had been about me, just felt again so appreciated 🙂

It’s been a weekend of realising, no matter how much you love someone you shouldn’t have to force yourself to have a space in anyone’s life because if they really know your worth, they will surely create one for you.

I need to appreciate what I do have, have time for people who want me to be apart of their life’s and embrace a smile not worry and self confidence!!

This is just the start of a journey, life’s always a journey but Iv stopped driving around the roundabout of life atm 🙂

 

Love

Today has been frustrating, I can’t bare being painted into a monster. People are sharing there story’s of being abused and comparing them to hers, I’m not like that in any shape or form. But I’m a strong believer and was willing to try everything in the name of love…even if my attempts were kinda clumsy.

I have love in side of me that is so strong it’s made me cry, it made me suicidal and it made daily routines impossible…love is a powerful feeling.
The reason we fall in love is down to person you fall in love with, you can have a connection with people some sexually some intellectually…but a connection that causes you to lose control at times and causes you to be the happiest ever and sometimes saddest is a connection that not many people ever truely experience.
My experience was crazy, for me my love is based on this…
The instant connection with a stranger who instantly isn’t a stranger, the speed in which your friendship develops with out a day feeling like it’s gone by. It’s about sharing you deepest darkest and personally secrets with someone who holds your hand and says “you’ve got me now” it’s the little things, it’s the going to a restaurant and picking each other’s food, it’s the sharing of dinner with out asking, it’s drinks being ordered by choice for each other, it’s the small things. It’s when she turns up at your house with your both favourite stash of sweets and fizzy pop. It’s the way you sit across from each other and bully each other alone and infront of others, while holding hands or cuddling. It’s about doing crazy things, laying outside in the cold watching stars or looking aeroplanes in the dark (personal thing) it’s about being tired but being tired together. It’s about caring so much what the other persons family think, it’s about watching her interact with your family and them falling in love with her too. It’s about falling asleep with her and talking about your future your dreams your family. It’s about walking through shops and imagining your future it’s about planning your future it’s about wanting no one in your further but them.
It’s about holding there hand, it’s about crying when they cry, it’s about going out of your mind trying anything to see them better. It’s about not wanting them to die, to sit with them in hospitals but be scarred and try to help but not know how to then you mess up, but you keep trying.
It’s about losing them…but fighting for there love, losing your dignity and self respect in the honour of your love. It’s about spending everyday wishing it was a dream thinking of anything that could fix it, it’s about taking the blame and taking it again. It’s about gulping when she dates a new man because you still your bride.
It’s about not wanting to replace ever, it’s about not being able to replace.
It’s called true love, I will never witness again and I don’t want too. Because I was born into this world to me the most incredible girl in the world and I not only meet her I got to spend 14 months with this angel, I got to experience what I was born for that’s the word “LOVE” that four letter word when used properly, is crazy, unpredictable but most of all powerful.

The correct blog

That blog was wrong.

I feel head over heals in love with a human being, she was my soulmate I still love her so much.
I messed up, I made bad choices, I made silly choices, I said stuff I didn’t mean and I reacted incorrectly…how ever I would never ever hurt a hair on her head. I am full of regret for not just letting her go and I’m ashamed of my behaviour from the past, but my past was my past when we got back together last I promised I’d changed an I’m not that person who messed up before. I won’t apologise for trying to talk to her, I love her il shout it from top of any building il write it everywhere.
But things have changed, she has changed she no longer what i thought not love me she hated me to the point it seemed her mission to hurt me.
So I stopped two weeks ago, I stopped for her Iv already built some confidence back and moving like she said too.
I am shocked to hear how much she loves and loved me I never realised how much till now, but like wise disappointed she continues to describe me an her as bad, I am our relationship doesn’t deserve exaggeration.
Life is so short and I can’t imagine my life with out her, I want her to be my wife…but she made it clear, I am continuing with my life. I miss her everyday but she’s making me question our memories, I have asked her not too, it’s sad we were never that bad…she wouldn’t still love me if I was. It’s not nice to read people comment as if I’m some animal…I’m not, I messed up and I’m sorry, but I can’t pay the price for all my life.

In 3 days, I nearly died, my best friends close relative did die….an Iv found out I have a sister. This a moment I need Aimee chats, but it’s not gonna happen she continues to punish me, us our relationship… life’s way to short for this we don’t another go another day…it’s just one life!!!

I’m so sorry to my family and to Aimee and her family, I didn’t ever mean to make this special young lady feel this way about me, I let her an all you down and for that…I’m sorry!

i can’t help it