When are people gonna stop going to act like a**holes.
I’m sick of people atm, there are people I wanna get back in my life, people won’t take the hint that I’m not really into them, people who just want something and that is why I’m p****ed off.
My whole problem in life in my childhood it’s messed up my way of thinking which makes me destroy my own life every day is a constant battle, Iv on ever let on person in too this and she’s important to me hence me becoming a pain in her life…anyway she helped convince me to cut out my dad will help and it did he has no impact personally on my moods but unfortunately his actions impact my emotions of other situations.
Unfortunately the situations are massive which makes me angry at him and myself, the way in which my brain thinks about stuff is the reason my ex partner hates my guts, I love her every second of every day and because my way of thinking I lost her and it kills me.
Last night somit happened and it broke my heart to read it but I couldn’t stop thinking about it all night, it doesn’t seem real at times but this is still all based on the programming of ones brain I even been through it with a professional before so I know it’s true.
How ever Iv not long woken up 😦 due a nightmare relating to my ex as per usual and I get a phone call demanding me to help my dad financially…he is after a new car I have to help, I’m his son and don’t even bother seeing him if not I need to work how he can as I’m supposed to be intelligent…. bare in mind Iv just come off another night shift I’m shattered.
I was told Iv not made an effort since Feb this year to see him or call him…yet when I say but I haven’t had a call or moved house either I get screamed at.
Wtf where has this come from, I don’t deserve to be spoken to like this, the only time I hear from him is for money… I work two jobs non stop for myself, yet why just because his my dad do I not have a choice?
He has a baby on the way and is engaged to a stupid girl who’s never worked a day in her life and because he has go back and forth to hospital I need to help or offer him lifts when I’m free…seriously.
But I nearly shouted back, you have ruined my life why would I help you? 30 (Nearly 31) and Iv struggled in life due to being abused as a child, this impact mad my brain analyse situations and make bad choices based on what my brain thinks people do or are going to do.
Punishment and self blame are programmed into my brain, not letting someone out at a round about makes me feel bad lol but this situation doesn’t sound to bad but has ruined my last relationship…I waited a long time to meet a girl so special this is the first girl Iv been head over heels in love with, I just knew with her and I wanted see out my life with her. Yet I probably will have had it not been my mentality my way of think not everything but some stuff and this mentality it isn’t me it isn’t my identification it somthing with Inn me.
An not being able to control it hurts the true me confuses the me and is what makes me depressed and a wallower.
So for me he a massive part to play in my relationship break down I should be the one with Aimee having the child and getting engaged but his eveilnees destroyed me as a child and is contueing today why did I deserve that?
I’m angry and upset right now.
Now is it me or am I such a walk over that people see me as an easy target?
Am I one of them people who people enjoy seeing upset?
I admittedly want someone back in my life who hates me, I want my dad out of my life who just wants me for what I have and the other girl she won’t stop persisting In trying be in my life and as nice as she’s being with out saying it which I’m about to she’s not Aimee!!
Every bloody day atm…Birthday this weekend I am abso dreading the weekend 😦 all it reminds me of is what Iv lost as last year was the best of the lot.