Getting annoyed 

If I wake up to one more message like that again I’m gonna flip.This blog is not to “wallow” but I am f**king sick and tired of it now. If it’s not one thing it’s another if it’s not one person it’s another.

This is all related to my useless dad, he has sent me some awful msgs today and got others to as well as he is now in financial problems and I “have to” help.

I work every single day, if I’m not at job 1 I Work job 2 it keeps me busy and saves me money I work so hard I’m shattered all the time but it’s for me…but apparently that means I have to help.

He is guilt tripping me and knows it will work…I’m close to giving him all my savings to get rid of him but then all my hard work will be wasted, how ever my life will be easier.
The guy has zero idea what’s been happening in my life he doesn’t no what’s happened at all, these are the moments I wish I had her around. She massively helped me in this situation.
My heads killing me, this week has been crazy it’s gotten out of hand and it’s all because of him, everything is because of him. I F**king hate him.

I wish the weekend was over already, dreading it 😦 

I have zero right to blog and let my frustration out it’s nothing compared to others…but I’m getting really annoyed!! 


When are people gonna stop going to act like a**holes.
I’m sick of people atm, there are people I wanna get back in my life, people won’t take the hint that I’m not really into them, people who just want something and that is why I’m p****ed off.
My whole problem in life in my childhood it’s messed up my way of thinking which makes me destroy my own life every day is a constant battle, Iv on ever let on person in too this and she’s important to me hence me becoming a pain in her life…anyway she helped convince me to cut out my dad will help and it did he has no impact personally on my moods but unfortunately his actions impact my emotions of other situations.

Unfortunately the situations are massive which makes me angry at him and myself, the way in which my brain thinks about stuff is the reason my ex partner hates my guts, I love her every second of every day and because my way of thinking I lost her and it kills me.

Last night somit happened and it broke my heart to read it but I couldn’t stop thinking about it all night, it doesn’t seem real at times but this is still all based on the programming of ones brain I even been through it with a professional before so I know it’s true.

How ever Iv not long woken up 😦 due a nightmare relating to my ex as per usual and I get a phone call demanding me to help my dad financially…he is after a new car I have to help, I’m his son and don’t even bother seeing him if not I need to work how he can as I’m supposed to be intelligent…. bare in mind Iv just come off another night shift I’m shattered.

I was told Iv not made an effort since Feb this year to see him or call him…yet when I say but I haven’t had a call or moved house either I get screamed at.

Wtf where has this come from, I don’t deserve to be spoken to like this, the only time I hear from him is for money… I work two jobs non stop for myself, yet why just because his my dad do I not have a choice?

He has a baby on the way and is engaged to a stupid girl who’s never worked a day in her life and because he has go back and forth to hospital I need to help or offer him lifts when I’m free…seriously.

But I nearly shouted back, you have ruined my life why would I help you? 30 (Nearly 31) and Iv struggled in life due to being abused as a child, this impact mad my brain analyse situations and make bad choices based on what my brain thinks people do or are going to do.

Punishment and self blame are programmed into my brain, not letting someone out at a round about makes me feel bad lol but this situation doesn’t sound to bad but has ruined my last relationship…I waited a long time to meet a girl so special this is the first girl Iv been head over heels in love with, I just knew with her and I wanted see out my life with her. Yet I probably will have had it not been my mentality my way of think not everything but some stuff and this mentality it isn’t me it isn’t my identification it somthing with Inn me.

An not being able to control it hurts the true me confuses the me and is what makes me depressed and a wallower.

So for me he a massive part to play in my relationship break down I should be the one with Aimee having the child and getting engaged but his eveilnees destroyed me as a child and is contueing today why did I deserve that? 
I’m angry and upset right now.

Now is it me or am I such a walk over that people see me as an easy target? 

Am I one of them people who people enjoy seeing upset?
I admittedly want someone back in my life who hates me, I want my dad out of my life who just wants me for what I have and the other girl she won’t stop persisting In trying be in my life and as nice as she’s being with out saying it which I’m about to she’s not Aimee!!
Every bloody day atm…Birthday this weekend I am abso dreading the weekend 😦 all it reminds me of is what Iv lost as last year was the best of the lot.
LIFE mann 

Made my punishment 

So I read earlier how she punishing her self and somthing earlier reminded me of her. I now instantly get annoyed at myself, I caused all this it’s my fault she hurts her self I don’t deserve to get away with making her ill.

I looked forward to coming home to hide away with the razor blade, I now decide that when I do somit wrong or feel guilty il scratch away and watching the blood and feeling the sting is what I deserve.

That’s just little but it’s visible, it’s a reminder to me everyday for how I ruined her life I hate it infact it makes me feel sick.

But I can’t get away with this.

It’s getting harder to cope

How have I got into this hole?
Where is the ladder out? 
I’m crying as I write this, Iv blood on my pillow and my arms soar…why am I doing this 😢😢😢 

I was supposed to go out but I can’t leave the house 😢😢
I got ready to go out and didn’t wanna, so Iv sat in bed and cut the edge of my razor the have just a blade on it, I cut my arm the other day but high up out the way…this time it’s visible 😢😢 why why am I doing this 😢
I have tried talking to my only friend and she doesn’t get it so I’m keeping it all to myself, im so lost atm I don’t anything I’m not bothered by anything and I feel so lonely yet weirdly I’m always getting offers to go out but I’m not interested by any of them 😢
I don’t understand how this has happened again the last two weeks are worse then ever 😢
How did my perfect life turn to this hell 

Wake me from this nightMare

Iv woken up and my heads pounding…I’m sweating yet it’s freezing 😦
It’s Aimee, Aimee Aimee bloody Aimee it’s always Aimee lol all day i was thinking about her, I was meant to be working today and part of it was to be in London I spent 3 hours exploring…all it made me do was think of her 😦
I miss her sooo much, nobody has any idea how much she means to me, she’s my absolute world I’d literally die for this girl. I wouldn’t left her for the world even when she was so ill I would never have given up on her intact I loved her so much it made her split up with me 😦
I hurt every second of every day, because she hates me I blame myself every day because she hates me. But I love to peace’s even now I’d marry her tomorrow if I could, I watched a program and they were talking about engagements and how they asked they laughed about spending there life with one person…I can’t imagine my life with anyone else, I don’t wanna experience all the scary things life has to throw at us with anyone else but my crazy soulemate…the girl version of me 😦
Every girl I talk to I compare to her no one in the world is her, no one has her personality her heart and not even close her beautiful face.

Iv seen a pic of her from tonight and I cried, I just miss her so much she is the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world she is absolute perfection, Iv never ever ever been so envious of guys she chats too.
I’m really fed up atm and there a girl who wants come to mine tomorrow because she worried about me, she doesn’t no me very well but she’s worried about me…it’s nice someone cares but I can’t let her come here…it’s only Aimee that’s ever been to mine and this girl as lush as she is doesn’t even come close to the girl I called my princess 😦
My heart really hurts my head really hurts… this is the worst heart ache ever.
I want to and will write a blog I’m working on to paint the true picture of Aimee, but I want it to read perfect and that’s because she is perfect.
I am talking to my self when I say this but I love you every day no less if anything even more, I’d give my right arm for 5mins with her again, the most perfect girl regardless of what anorexia has done she’s still the girl of my dreams literally.
Night night world…if I don’t wake up from the nightmare..I don’t wanna wake up 😦  

Not much left 

Today was weird.
But I can’t take any more, I cancelled my date tonight. I’m gone. My minds gone.

The last week or two have been right back to square one, seeing her online dating has pushed me over the edge.

I can’t bare it intact.

I have been blogging again just speaking my thoughts and they back fire she calls me the past and how I paint a picture of a bitch….she has no idea the picture I paint of her. I point out everything yeah it comes across bad it is the truth but it’s not the picture I can paint.

I read how she so lonely she talks anyone and how she wants this that and the other and I know it’s not what she wants and it’s probs to hurt me even more but it does it kills me. I sat in Hyde park today it was packed but I just starred into space feeling lost I am lost, Iv lost everything I ever dreamed of…for the life of me can’t think what I did 😢 I can’t stop cutting myself atm but it’s not enough, I wanted to drive into a lorry on the way home or prayed the underground would crash, stepping out in the street deliberately, I ignore everyone’s calls my family, lisa my friends everyone I don’t tx anyone back Iv had enough.

I hate me, I hate what Iv done to Aimee every second of everyday I hate me, I don’t know what I did but it must have been awful and I still continue to do it, I thought I’d be spending my birthday with her instead I don’t wanna make it to 31. I hate how it’s my fault she’s ill, I hate it’s my fault she’s sad, it’s my fault she’s lonely, it’s all my fault. I wanna say sorry but even that I mess up.
I messed up in the past but was a different person I wanted to make a Mense I thought I was helping her 😦 I clearly didn’t do enough or do it good enough 😦
I hate me…no one will notice me gone!!!! I can’t carry on with this guilt it’s destroying me.
I’m sorry isn’t enough but I am 😢I’m so sorry 😢 
Will this ever end 😢 

London thinking 

Lots to think about choices to make where better to think then London, currently attempting to be a tourist on my own. Very bizarre feeling but comfort zones need pushing. Embankment is a crazy place lol
I have people in my head people go don’t listen to me people who wanna be in my life people I can’t have in my life and people who read situations wrongly.
There’s so much but also so little at the same time. I’m scarred bumping into her while here too petrified.
Iv been bullied, beaten and all sorts yet never has anyone hated me so much, it’s a feeling I abso hate and really don’t understand what makes it worse is it’s by someone I truely loved.
My weeks seem to get worse not better 😦