I can’t take much more guilt, I hate me.

Oh my actual god.
I have just spoken to my friend and cried and cried and cried I screamed I can’t take any more of this, my life is being destroyed. I hate life more then I ever have and the guilt I hold is weighing me down, I won’t do anything now that makes me happy or smile or anything because I’m not allowed she is suffering so I need to suffer. I do nothing but work sleep.

My friend told me that she was always proud of me for what I did not sleeping to take her to appoiment, asking my family to help out, telling her mum about her illness because she couldn’t, I seeked help when I couldn’t tell anyone she told me if i did she would never talk to me or even kill herself, I couldn’t take that chance. I helped convince doctors I’d look after her so they wouldn’t section her more then once I agreed to look after her. I took days off work called in sick changed my days off stopped working my second job stopped seeing my friends I did everything humanly possible to help her make her bothers wedding more then anything. I would do shopping with her I’d remove labels from food, I’d try make her stick to her meal plan i annoyed her but I wanted her to make this massive occasion. 

I used to go to work shattered as she never slept, I’d call her when I could to make sure she was okay, I communicated with staff at her first hospital to make sure she was okay, I left work in the middle of a night shift done a 4 hour round trip to see her at hospital so she wasn’t alone and she wouldn’t even talk or look at me, but I did it because if it was me I’d appreciate it.

I helped her make this wedding and what a magical weekend it was…I will honestly never ever forget it.

Then my worry and concern was turned into me controlling, this was not the case at all I worried its natural she tx me everyday to say she wanted to die.

She went to her next hospital and said goodbye to me in the morning after my mum an family looked after her for a week so they didn’t section her and I never heard from her again, just to say she couldn’t give me what I needed and that she didn’t feel anything.

This broke my heart I love her of cause it’s going to. I massively fucked up, I tx loads to get answers and frustration hit in it made no sense I’d done all that then all sudden I’m a stranger…in fact strangers were more important. Eventually I was blocked but before I was, I was told I’m killing her by msging her I’m ruining her recovery, police would be involved the hospital say I’m slowing her recovery….I literally couldn’t believe it, I was bereaving the loss of what I thought was my future wife. For the next 5 weeks I blamed myself I stopped eatting I hide food in my car the bin I don’t eat just because I can’t be bothered it punishes me and I deserve it as I’m killing her, I don’t talk to anyone really I have no friends I cut myself off from the world I work every hour work want me too stop me spending a day hating myself, Iv taken up cutting myself do on my leg so no will see but I deserve to be in pain, I sleep 4 hours tops every night I close my eyes and dream of her I have nightmares about how much I let her down. I can’t talk to people on the phone because I just hate people hearing my mood I haven’t smiled or even done anything in months, I just want to punish myself.

Then tonight I msg her again I’m missing her yeah I’m stupid but I miss her, an I get told I’m giving her family her stuff tonight, tomorrow night, the weekend, via post or taxi all this while I’m trying drive in middle no where in the pouring rain. So I call them and I get told that it’s my fault again if I had told them earlier none of this would have happened now I nearly crashed the car….what? Are they serious? What should I have done? I can feel my self getting upset at this point, I can’t take anymore blame what’s the next step how can I punish myself even more?? These people don’t see the affect a statement has on someone they don’t need hate me I hate myself enough, I blame myself for all this it’s all my fault she’s done well to get rid of me. But I don’t I have to live every single day in shame in guilt, starving myself, ruining my own life as it’s what I deserve. I can’t take much more of me I hate me so much I’d love to have the guts to end it all I don’t know what’s next to punish myself but il find it and I won’t stop either I’m obsessed with punishing myself.

I tried to talk to her as I think a normal convo with her would have easied some my guilt but it’s not what they want they want me to pay the price for her ilness.

Il happily do it for them.

I am away work related and I told them this but they are shouting at me tell me a date time place for her stuff, I can’t I don’t even no my name let alone dates times places with work I don’t no how comfortable I feel about going certain places etc but they don’t stop I get in after nearly 10 hour traveling on 3 hours sleep and it continues pictures of laws and telling me hospital say they have a case and that they have seeked advice and have copy’s of msgs and recordings of calls they then call me an record again….I breakdown at this point I can’t cope with people reminding me over an over it’s my fault they all blame me…I’d kill me if I had the balls.
Then they call the police my family are woken up by the police as they fear for my life, I’m not home I told them this I refuse to cooperate with the police as this is a fucking joke now. So now I have to drive to a police station or I’m gonna be on a wanted missing list wtf Iv been up for hours an hours I had my day ruined by these people and now it continues, this is incredible.
Now all I ever did was help there sister and I’m repayed by now hating my own life, I never felt so guilty Iv not got see the police I’m basically being bullied and I helped her when no one else would and because I loved her an msged loads they want me to pay for it….an I am! 
This is the worst Iv ever felt in my life, this is worse then being abused. The one person Iv loved more then anything and this is the memory and thanks I get 😦
I don’t want my friend to be proud of me no one should be proud of me this is all my fault and I can’t live with this guilt much longer.
I’m just sorry I didn’t do more and I hate life but most of al I hate jamie I fucking hate you so much!!! 

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