As a child, we should be loved and enjoy life like an adventure and should look forward to everyday to experience something new and gain more experience to help us in life.There was a part of my life now Which contains no memory’s at all nothing I remember well, apart from school I was lucky I was fairly popular and made lots of friends which made school life fine.
Home life was different, every morning you would not know what was next. You would awaken but wait, if I got up to toilet and it wasn’t the right time or made to much noise that would be it, I would sit in my cupboard of a room (I wasn’t allowed the full room so I had a single chair bed in a cupboard because he wanted an office) I lived my life in the cupboard, I did have a nice view tho.
When he was up and out of bed I would wait, wait for a sign that I could get up I was to scarred to leave my room on getting up, if he was on a bad mood I’d need an excuse to go to my room. He once was in such a bad mood he would just remove his slipper and hit me around the face and back as hard as he could the rubber sole became a print on my body while laying on the floor and be hit an hit an hit I would cry and just take it, wondered if acting dead would make him stop anything eventually he would stop as say go to your room. I would go to my room and could sit or lay anywhere from pain and burns even tears on my face hurt. The door would be closed and every single footstep would be an alarm please don’t come in and he would come in my room and say why are you crying you stop or il give you something to cry about. This was regular every few hours this could happen, if it wasn’t a shoe it would be a tv remote, a rolled up paper or book, it was also my crutches when I broke my leg and even had a glass hit off my head.
The point I’m making is I spent my life worried I’d upset someone living in fear and that all I wanted was to be special to someone.
I had been treated bad off ex’s before until last year I meet a girl who….made an effort for me, it began odd she wasn’t sure then did somit stupid but I forgave then we had time apart, then we ended back together when she got ill. But this was different I this time felt safe she helped move away from him in my life it changed so much for me, she battled my corner with everyone she loved being with my and was greatful for me and all I did for her, she turned to me in moments of darkness I began to feel that I had a purpose in life and it was to help someone I loved she trusted me to help her an I did I did everything maybe to much but I was repaying someone for being the first human in my life who I loved who actually made me no1 and made me feel safe.
My worry for her when she was sick was through the roof I loved this girl to the moon and back I’d actually die for her she meant that much.
But it was to much for her she thought I was controlling I wasn’t I was just scarred for her I couldn’t lose something I dreamed of all my life by her dying.
I was jealous of a couple people who meant more to her then me all a sudden I didn’t feel needed, she didn’t trust me to do anything grown up she needed her brother to do it. Lots people treat me like an absolute idiot I am clumsy I guess.
I lost her because I was controlling 😢
Today I just think about that feeling she gave me it’s like the boy who hid in the cupboard had a girl who came and got me she took me away from the house helped me smile and enjoy my life she was the first person who genuinely cared for me made me feel special.
I don’t have anyone in this world and didn’t need anyone she was more then enough.
But now she no longer needs me she is getting on starting a new life beginning again, all she wants and needs are her brother and sister now.
I feel like the guy back in cupboard, there’s no one out side the room to worry about but I can’t get out the cupboard, I look at the window and see her out side struggling but making it down the road and all I have of her now is memory’s and pictures, that picture when I close my eyes her I close my eyes every night and think and dream of this angel.
I never missed my life so much, this time was real to me, I wanted to make her my wife I was so proud to call her my partner. I just explain why I feel like this or what I even feel. But I hate myself so much everyday I blame all of this on me.
I just wanted to explain why I worried so much and why I love her so much I’m not a bad person.
Sorry if this makes no sense, I’m just finishing the end of my 84 hour week I barely know my own name l Happy weekend people 🙂
I wanna thank everyone for all the likes and follows it makes sense a difference 🙂