A recent memory ðŸ˜„😄😄

So this blog has taken two days to type lol
I stupidly wore my contacts the other day and have had a 24 hour migraine 🙈
So I have had to relive a place I experienced with her and also go to a new place….where she is! I don’t work job number 2 often but to get both places in one day was kinda freaky.
But it was a day of joking around as per with Derek, he wanted to listen to magic….this is where I experienced something different.
A song came on the radio just a song that’s all, “sweet Caroline” theses words…”hands, touching hands, reaching out, touching me,touching you” now it’s ironic that this happened while driving into Norwich probably the last time I heard this song, me an her used to sing this to each other and do the actions….normally I would have freaked and switched it off…how ever sang at the top of my voice and smiled, I thought what an amazing laugh we used to have, even now writing it makes me smile.

Don’t get me wrong it’s disappointing I don’t think I will ever experience that connection again, how ever I’m so lucky to have anyway.

This is a memory that makes me smile, I ignore everything else that’s what it was all about.
But it proves memories don’t need to be painful memories they can be good and is why we as humans interact with people and fall in love.
So shattered ATM sorry if my blogs are poorly written and make little sense, to many late nights and work 🙈 but I just wanted to show that I now smile at some of our memories not get upset anymore 😄
I am nervous to blog to a new follower I’m worried it’s just to get me in trouble 🙈 but I hope not, I wanna say I read your blog and have 😄 with progress you are making, I dreamed of this stage in your progress but not with us like this 🙈…. don’t look at the bad, but look back on your life before remember the good times you had and experienced and think you can do that again, you won’t be lonely your to amazing to be, people flock to you as they are attracted to the person you are!!! You will make more incredible memories in your new life!

Anyway people, stay safe enjoy your Thursday and keep blogging don’t be ashamed to say what ever you think.

What’s a week

So it’s been a shocking week.
It was hard to final to hand over all her stuff, it’s hard to say goodbye to someone you still love. It was heart breaking on a new level to read she’s dating while in hospital.

During all this I remained faithful that at least we experienced somit together but now realise she didn’t actually mean any of it, I think that’s what disappoints me the most.

But Iv failed at life all week I have been very weak, my problem is not trying get her back but just build a bridge for all the bad we were still like best friends. Maybe she doesn’t get it and thinks I’m trying cause issues when I’m not.
Then work has been awful, we are so busy ATM I have been part of planning our flight to Houston off all places, my night shifts have been full on, I currently have crew stuck in hotels away from there family’s as well as the danger of trying to fly around a hurricane it’s been stressful and sad to receive emails showing the devistation the floods are causing. My heart goes out to all affected in the storms.

My jobs problems are nothing compared to thoughts affected but it makes thinks a little harder that’s all, it’s tired me out it’s been a tough week.

Today however has been a massive surprise 🙂 that is an actual smile 🙂 yes believe it or not I actually had a full proper smile and laughed today. After minimum sleep I forced my self up out of bed and out the house in the glorious sunshine and for the first time in months smiled and forgot my problems.
But this blog is more to explain my blogs.
I don’t blog to cause stress pain or upset anyone. They are mainly about one girl, basically it’s just my brains thinking on paper, rather then me scream and shout or get upset I just type exactly what I think at that given time.

No harm is meant it’s purely getting my thoughts out of my head.
I do genuinely think people think this whole process should have been easy for me…but it’s not. Maybe my reaction has been perfect maybe this maybe that but not a lot of this process has been done properly no one has done anything properly or with dignity. 

But there are so many factors in people’s reactions that we can’t and don’t have a right to blame anyone, this is a situation which is one in a million tbh it’s not everyday it’s not the norm.

I can offer my sorrys but there wasted, I have bee made the problem.

I accept it.
But my blogs are getting out my thoughts there’s not wrong….but they are most certainly not right either.
Hope all are enjoying the bank holiday weekend 🙂 

An stay safe if you in the U.S 

💔💔💔

I wake up every single day, an I think about this girl I look to my emails to see if she has blogged so I can read how she’s getting on.Every blog gets to me, I read how sad she is and her struggles I also read her happiness and success every blog decides my mood.

Every time I walk into my room I expect to see her sitting on my bed, eating pick and mix or pouring disarno and Diet Coke.

I still find hair clips in my room and my car and think about the amount of requests to play with her hair lol 

I drive my car and sing to myself and think all the times we used to sing to each other in the car and dance to the songs.

I sit in my kitchen and wait for her to get millions of ingredients out and we bake anything together for fun.

I sit in my garden and remember us laying in the sun together and laying out side at night and watching the stars.

I drive though the high street and see our favoured pubs we would stumble home from.

I close my eyes and I see her every time, her smell or beautiful smile and remember many many times of laughter, times of joy and difficult times we hold each other’s hands and make it through.

I miss this very special girl every single day, I miss her being a part of my life as I read all I mentioned above Iv described my best friend.
Now I know she didn’t finish with me for being sick she just never did love me, I feel my feelings aren’t allowed, I shouldn’t have feel like this towards a girl who didn’t like me. I can’t date anyone else because I just can’t do it….I stupidly believed I was going to marry her even now I can’t hate her, everyone says I should I believe I should but I can’t I still adore her after everything.
But now she’s dating from hospital, it’s the worst rejection ever, regardless of what Iv done for her if a stranger is worth more a gamble then me even while she’s in hospital what does that say about me? I must have been awful. 

If a stranger is better for her then me, it makes me look at myself and think how could it get any worse.
All the above memories mean nothing as she thinks she get better from anyone else, I guess she’s right I’m awful, I always knew I wasn’t good enough for her.
I can’t describe the way my heart feels right now, I was gutted when she finished it but right now I’m completely heart broken.
I broke down in tears driving away from her house this week after delivering her stuff to hers never did I imagine she was out dating someone else already.
I feel like such a mug, I can’t believe how awful a boyfriend I must have been when this is a better option.
This doesn’t feel real, my whole life feels like a tv program someone is gonna jump out and shout I got you soon.
My hearts absolute broken.

Torture – it’s me 

I can’t deal with what I’m reading I can’t believe what I’m reading.
It has to be me, what is so wrong with me?
You must be awful when it’s so easy to hurt me and seems so much fun to hear what a mess I am.

You must be awful when dating in hospital is a better option then you remaining in there life after everything you been through.
When we made a year she said our rollercoaster had stopped didn’t realise she would be wrong and it’s just got worse.
I just can’t stand myself for finding out how awful a person I must be, I tried everything to be a feiend a boyfriend or even just a human and I’m the peace of rubbish she describes she threw me away in the bin!!! Am just kicks me about here an there 😦

Iv already thrown my dinner in the bin, wanted to call in sick for work I’m here and can’t be bothered yet have a very important flight plan to do 😦 

I have zero idea why any of this is happening????
Someone tell me why???? What have I done?

I’m gonna die a lonely guy 😢 just wish it

Would hurry up!!

My day :( 

A can’t explain today
My dads house was set on fire, I haven’t got the balls to go see him I can’t bring myself to see him.
I won £200 on football and just not even blinked at it at all.
An now….Iv just had my heart smashed into a million peaces the girl I miss, is dating while in a hospital.
She broke up with me because she was ill, Iv just learnt it was lie 😢
Literally what is happening, how did my life change so much ☹️
I’m scarred what this is gonna do to me, instantly depressed and now I have work ☹️ I can’t take anymore.
Why do I deserve this? 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I’m done fighting I’m drained.
I never wanted to argue, just was in love.

All I tried to be was civil because any part in my life is better then none.
I’m looking up at the stars and the planes instead going to bed for work and it reminds me of her but I smile, because it was our thing.

I miss her like absolute crazy, I can’t explain how much I’d love to ramble on about life and see how she’s doing. I’m just gutted she now hates me.
I always remember the night I seen the shooting star with her, my wish was to spend the rest of my life with her…haha never mind.
I’m done with all bad stuff, Iv a tiny tear ATM but I’m smiling because I know I can always look at the stars and the flashing lights on the planes and think of the best period in my life 🙂 what’s an amazing girl 🙂
I’m not angry, I’m honoured to have had a opportunity people dream of, just wish my wish had come true.
If you read this, I’m sorry Aimee…neither of us ever wanted this!!!
My body and brain are exhausted from something that shouldn’t be happening! 

My heart break 

My heart was broken, my brain was removed, my body was motionless and life had stopped.This was me, I became a mess instantly as time moved on I didn’t, I stopped and the pain the destruction it got worse.

This was a very different scenario though, there was a very server illness involved an illness which killed 6% of its suffers and a mental illness affecting her brain her thoughts changing her identity both visually and mentally.

I then became guilty, I blamed myself. This caused pain, I hated me I hurt myself punished my body and tried to commit suicide I crushed some pills and poured a drink…I couldn’t live a life carrying the guilt, I didn’t wanna live with out my dream girl I felt as though she had died.

It didn’t getter it got worse, my life infected by my brain and it hit rock bottom.

I don’t obsess over one girl, I told this girl I loved her and I have never told anyone like I did her, I dreamt about my life and everything I dreamt of had her in it every life step had this person in it, I have never thought about my future so much. Everything was fine till she got sick we battled hell and earth to be a couple to make anniversary 1 was the biggest roller coaster of my life ( I’m not a big fan of them) there was tears and tears and break ups and arguments and mistakes and police and shouting….but when she kissed me goodbye in hospital 1 she cried her eyes out, she apologised to me for being ill this melted my heart but I knew then that this was not just any girl she literally was the girl I wanted to call my wife to spend the rest of my life with. 

Then I witness visually and over the phone changes, she was a mess she lost her brain, she was suicidal saying silly things and doing silly things she cut her self and wrote on herself it would make me nearly sick and I cried to sleep worried about this girl I never ever ever loved anything or anyone like her I would have literally died for her I wanted this to stop, I watch her turn into a tv character this couldn’t be real the things she would do and say wasn’t her at all, she got worse not better and she began to take it out on me, she didn’t mean it but the illness was making her, but I could see this. 

I was talking to someone at work and he was explaining about his wife, how she puts up with him and his work and have been together 35years…he said I wish everyone found someone like his wife someone he thinks about everyday and would do anything for, he explained that for 35 years you have to work you have to overcome stuff, learn to adjust and just not give up, it’s the hardest but best thing he said he ever did, he thinks online dating and the fact people think they can do better it’s easy to throw it away…his very right.

I have that feeling and it will never go away, but what makes this all so much harder is that she got so ill, she let the illness end us like I meant nothing, I was confused I thought she loved me. She easily stopped talking to me where as I dream of anything from her every single second, my best memories are with her I couldn’t imagine my life with out her, where as she instantly happily just cut me out the picture and threw me in the bin…I was distraught…it took me months to stand back and be told, what did I experience with her??? She changed she lost her mind, what is anorexia? It’s a mental illness…..that all my questions answered, it’s sad to lose all that to an illness.

But it’s turned to hate she detests me and my family, she won’t ever talk to any of us again, my mum is devastated to my mum adored her, her family hate me and blame me now too.

But I respect her wishes I can’t change her mind I’m not a physco, but i can’t help that she turned into girl of my dreams, I read her progress and smile I wanna share with the world then I realise i can’t, I wanna tx her and say well done princess but I can’t I wanna go visit her and cuddle her when I hear she’s sad but I can’t I wanna send a gift of my love so she knows people care but I can’t….instead I break my heart, I read she wants a new life, I read no one cares I read everyone drops her…I sometimes think she treats me the way people treat her.

But she hates me she would blink if I was hit by a bus, I feel all sorts just this isn’t my princess at all, it’s sad that my whole life plan is dead due to anorexia.

But I’m still here supporting her, worried by every bad blog and smiling by every positive I just wish she didn’t hate me so much I wish she didn’t see every i say a negative, I don’t blame or hate her at all I adore her…I’m not fighting for anything I just care so much about someone so special, just wish she sat and thought about it instead just hating me 😦
I have a new lease of life I have to remain focused, my career is no1 I have told by someone at work his gonna make me a pilot for my airline this was my dream as a child and I’m gutted il never be able to share with my dream girl, but new life or not I just care still….why is that so wrong!!!
All my blogs are taken as a dig…it’s not at all I’m past digs Iv had to many ups downs on this roller coaster, it’s genuine just worry and concern for a special young lady.
I needed to clear the air or at least try, I’m big enough to hold my hand up though …
And say I’m sorry!!!
Thanks to everyone again who has been concerned, I’m totally fine I promise 🙂 don’t pray for my healthy pray for hers please…for me, thank you 🙂 
Happy blogging bloggers 🙂