My heart was broken, my brain was removed, my body was motionless and life had stopped.This was me, I became a mess instantly as time moved on I didn’t, I stopped and the pain the destruction it got worse.
This was a very different scenario though, there was a very server illness involved an illness which killed 6% of its suffers and a mental illness affecting her brain her thoughts changing her identity both visually and mentally.
I then became guilty, I blamed myself. This caused pain, I hated me I hurt myself punished my body and tried to commit suicide I crushed some pills and poured a drink…I couldn’t live a life carrying the guilt, I didn’t wanna live with out my dream girl I felt as though she had died.
It didn’t getter it got worse, my life infected by my brain and it hit rock bottom.
I don’t obsess over one girl, I told this girl I loved her and I have never told anyone like I did her, I dreamt about my life and everything I dreamt of had her in it every life step had this person in it, I have never thought about my future so much. Everything was fine till she got sick we battled hell and earth to be a couple to make anniversary 1 was the biggest roller coaster of my life ( I’m not a big fan of them) there was tears and tears and break ups and arguments and mistakes and police and shouting….but when she kissed me goodbye in hospital 1 she cried her eyes out, she apologised to me for being ill this melted my heart but I knew then that this was not just any girl she literally was the girl I wanted to call my wife to spend the rest of my life with.
Then I witness visually and over the phone changes, she was a mess she lost her brain, she was suicidal saying silly things and doing silly things she cut her self and wrote on herself it would make me nearly sick and I cried to sleep worried about this girl I never ever ever loved anything or anyone like her I would have literally died for her I wanted this to stop, I watch her turn into a tv character this couldn’t be real the things she would do and say wasn’t her at all, she got worse not better and she began to take it out on me, she didn’t mean it but the illness was making her, but I could see this.
I was talking to someone at work and he was explaining about his wife, how she puts up with him and his work and have been together 35years…he said I wish everyone found someone like his wife someone he thinks about everyday and would do anything for, he explained that for 35 years you have to work you have to overcome stuff, learn to adjust and just not give up, it’s the hardest but best thing he said he ever did, he thinks online dating and the fact people think they can do better it’s easy to throw it away…his very right.
I have that feeling and it will never go away, but what makes this all so much harder is that she got so ill, she let the illness end us like I meant nothing, I was confused I thought she loved me. She easily stopped talking to me where as I dream of anything from her every single second, my best memories are with her I couldn’t imagine my life with out her, where as she instantly happily just cut me out the picture and threw me in the bin…I was distraught…it took me months to stand back and be told, what did I experience with her??? She changed she lost her mind, what is anorexia? It’s a mental illness…..that all my questions answered, it’s sad to lose all that to an illness.
But it’s turned to hate she detests me and my family, she won’t ever talk to any of us again, my mum is devastated to my mum adored her, her family hate me and blame me now too.
But I respect her wishes I can’t change her mind I’m not a physco, but i can’t help that she turned into girl of my dreams, I read her progress and smile I wanna share with the world then I realise i can’t, I wanna tx her and say well done princess but I can’t I wanna go visit her and cuddle her when I hear she’s sad but I can’t I wanna send a gift of my love so she knows people care but I can’t….instead I break my heart, I read she wants a new life, I read no one cares I read everyone drops her…I sometimes think she treats me the way people treat her.
But she hates me she would blink if I was hit by a bus, I feel all sorts just this isn’t my princess at all, it’s sad that my whole life plan is dead due to anorexia.
But I’m still here supporting her, worried by every bad blog and smiling by every positive I just wish she didn’t hate me so much I wish she didn’t see every i say a negative, I don’t blame or hate her at all I adore her…I’m not fighting for anything I just care so much about someone so special, just wish she sat and thought about it instead just hating me 😦
I have a new lease of life I have to remain focused, my career is no1 I have told by someone at work his gonna make me a pilot for my airline this was my dream as a child and I’m gutted il never be able to share with my dream girl, but new life or not I just care still….why is that so wrong!!!
All my blogs are taken as a dig…it’s not at all I’m past digs Iv had to many ups downs on this roller coaster, it’s genuine just worry and concern for a special young lady.
I needed to clear the air or at least try, I’m big enough to hold my hand up though …
And say I’m sorry!!!
Thanks to everyone again who has been concerned, I’m totally fine I promise 🙂 don’t pray for my healthy pray for hers please…for me, thank you 🙂
Happy blogging bloggers 🙂