So I shouldn’t be using social media ATM but still.
I started getting frustrated at myself, I’m so angry ATM so angry at myself, I am carrying so much guilt I have punished my mind and punished my body. So much so I look at myself in the mirror and wonder as to why I would do that to anyone even if it is myself, Iv made myself ill…just not sure why.
I look at my recent mistakes and I don’t really blame him as much as he does, trying to grieve from the loss of a relationship is brutal at times and the main factor behind it being a serious illness makes it even more difficult.
But not wanting to let go was wrong, especially when your partner is so sick. I tried everything just to be able to talk to defend myself, I went over an over it in my head to discover what I did wrong I had changed so we could work but I couldn’t understand it, yet the reason was because I hadn’t done anything for once…this awful illness had grabbed her and for all I was trying to help sometimes being to emotionally attached and caring to hard builds pressure on someone to get better and mix the pressure with depression and anxiety it was too much and not fair.
I was selfish in my response, but it’s just love. Iv never been in Love before and I didn’t wanna lose that feeling. She still loved me until I pushed it and pushed it, deep down I know she still loves me I know she meant every word of it…I share the best moments of my life with this girl if she all a sudden didn’t love me it meant all our memories were a lie…but I know it’s not the case, she’s the first girl I ever imagined the rest of my life with, we been through more then any other couple should but the anorexia pushed us to the limit when it was at it’s worst. It’s such a shame as I adore her.. but loving is also about letting go too.
I will never forget our journey I will never forget the amazing memories, but I can’t make someone want to be with me.
Anorexia won this battle, but I pray everyday that one of my angels up there looks down and protects her and helps her get better gives her the inner strength she needs to fight, I pray they do this for a girl who may have made me sad recently but she also made me the happiest Iv ever felt in my life.
I think about her every second of every day, I won’t ever stop loving her…but I want her healthy and happy, I respect she doesn’t want it with me.
Just need to begin to stop punishing myself I shouldn’t keep damaging myself, just wish there was anything or anyone who could make this feeling go away.
I’m not crazy, im an idiot but I’m crazy.