The story 

So I have blogged quite a bit in the last month I have tried and tried to explain everything and to be honest I still don’t feel like Iv got out what I wanna say, this could be because I don’t know what I want to say.
(Quick brief my girlfriend was diagnosed as anorexic and was dying she wanted to die and was moved to now two hospitals and has been in care for nearly 3 months)
I began by being confused why my beautiful princess had got this illness, how she was knocking on deaths door and why I couldn’t help her.

Then she finished with me and I didn’t understand why I thought she loved me and at the same time she was dying…my mind was all over the place.

I became angry and believed that someone had used me and my family I was really annoyed I felt I’d been walked over.

Then I got blamed for killing her, I turned suicidal I tried to finish my life in guilt, I stopped eating to punish myself, it got out of hand.

I messaged her all the time with utter confusion, heart break and anger some messages weren’t great and I began to hate myself so much, life was dark things were tough I set out to destroy my life as I felt guilty. 

We did have a few arguments which began when she went into hospital, every single one was revolved around food or hospital or food or food, I would take a lot of her moods but I did it because I loved her and believed the real her didn’t mean any of this towards me.

My efforts were seen as controlling but couldn’t be further from the truth I worried naturally I worried my beautiful girl was trying to die every single day surely that’s enough to be on edge and constantly worry. 

I did get jealous of her family who finally helped but began pushing me out I know longer mattered my views didn’t matter and I was no longer needed to which now they got that…I don’t blame them it’s a blood relative I was just the boyfriend but all a sudden I didn’t matter to anyone
I’m gutted with my reaction the confusion, heart break and so much more.

I didn’t know what to say to her I didn’t want to believe it, I never thought this girl would lie when she told me she loved me, it had to be the illness.

I shouldn’t have said I felt used but…it wasn’t a lie even now even today I feel used but I’m accepting of it and also accept it doesn’t actually mean that’s correct.  
But turns out there’s wasn’t any need for me to be so dam hard on myself I had a right to be upset I did deserve to be annoyed and maybe I didn’t deserve to be treat that way…my reaction still wasn’t great though.
I am though Proud that I actually meant I loved her, I’m proud that regardless of what reaction I stayed true to the words I told her. People throw love around like it’s a everyday word but to say it and mean every single letter from the bottom of your heart means Iv been true to myself and true to her.

I was blamed for slowing her recovery, by her, her family and apparently staff…how ever instead of beating myself up about it I know now that I was used as an easy excuse and she believed them not me unfortunately.

We have so many memories her brothers wedding being one the best memories of my life I couldn’t have experienced anything more amazing with anyone else and her family included it was incredible but the biggest memory for me was the night she spent in hospital she was so ill I couldn’t even look her body how skinny she was, I went to the car to top up the car park and remember crying I called my friend and said she’s dying she’s going to die if she doesn’t stop this. She held my hand for hours she cried her self to sleep I remember she didn’t think anyone cared she was so scared and watching someone you love so much in that state was beyond awful.

What really hit me was the support for me, no body appreciated what I had done previous it was all about now all a sudden they just hated me it was all my fault and that she needed rid of me, not the fact that she had fallen in love with this guy he made her smile and happy and even helped save her life, washed away her tears. She has a mental illness clothes selecting was impossible let alone this kinda stuff.

I do think about her every single day. She is my first and last thought of every single day. I feel like I sing to her to and from work I know the healthy girl in her misses “us”

I sometimes get seriously hard days where it’s a struggle all I want is someone who cares and mainly just her I want her to just make me smile, give me a cuddle and just squeeze my hand as she tells me she loves me. I have text her phone knowing she won’t read it just to say I love you, is that weird or sad lol

I read her blogs about her life and struggle and it makes me sad and happy. I’m sad this beautiful girl has such a struggle it’s sad I can’t just cuddle her or tell her everything will be okay, once upon I used to do this.

But it makes me so happy to see her reaching out and helping others explaining the pain the trauma she is dealing with, it makes me so proud I could burst I even smile and I may have no more right to be proud but I am so so proud like I have never been of anything or anyone before in my life.

This situation came at an awful time, I had planned in my head to marry this girl I had found a ring I liked, I had planned when I would do it and roughly how I would do it, I had thought about asking two people massive in her life’s permission, this was the first time in my life I was ready to step up to mark and grab what I wanted and make sure I never lost my one true love. It would have been an amazing fireworks 😉 
I’m never gonna change her mind

She has made her mind up though with help from others and she no longer wants anything to do with me in fact she hates me and blames me, part me wants to think that’s the illness and others talking but…not sure my confidence agrees.
But I’m ashamed to admit to this amazing gentle, beautiful girl that I adore her and can’t stop loving her.
I seen a picture of her today and Iv Mixed emotions, I miss seeing her face and perfect smile, her gentle voice when she picked on me and her soft skin my hands missing touching…she is the most beautifully stunning girl I have ever seen.
I dream that she will talk to me again, I dream she will be true to her self I know our love wasn’t a lie.
But regardless I did live my dream for a while just a shame anorexia ruined it.
Sorry for the long story lol happy blogging 🙂  

Still missing her 

6/7 weeks of zero contact and still think about this girl every single day, why?She clearly hates me for the way she dropped me…why would I be interested in that? 

As time has gone on I don’t miss her less I miss her more. I am better in myself great..but still why do I crave a hello or dream about her allllll the time? 

I’m sitting at work on my day off trying concentrate on work but I keep thinking of her and Iv zero idea why?

So much has happened and there’s like a billion things I’d love to share with her yet tbh I don’t think even if she text I could even reply. 

I get mixed thoughts and the input from my friends is varied.

Just I can’t get is why???? Why still?

Well I guess it’s because I genuinely loved her, life is crazy! 

None of this really should be happening at all, an probs the last person I ever thought would be like this, I’m not sure il ever understand what happened.

But life just won’t stop reminding me of her , from places, songs, a Toblerone in the fridge lol 

Who knows, just thought I’d randomly shout out on a Saturday night lol
Hope everyone is having an amazing weekend 🙂 
Laterz 

Greatful for her

So after watching the most addictive tv program ever lol It got me thinking about her…seeing as I know she no longer reads my blogs, I decided I could say this out loud.On walking into the bar on our first date I had no idea it would be a moment that would change my life and I would experience feelings I didn’t know exist. 

I write in fear that no words can do her justice this very special girl made life so easy for me to act myself around her. I used to count my lucky stars and I felt honoured to call this girl my girlfriend.  
We had some challenging times but I wouldn’t change any of them, as they made us stronger people, these scenarios made me realise I found something in someone I didn’t realise i could find.
With all the hard times I would have probably lived a short life through stress lol but would have done it just to be with the girl version of me.
There are amazing ways to describe her to visually see her beautiful presence is easy to see, but to get to know someone and realise her true beauty is within the heart she has and she shares it with others and this is a special sight to witness.

An I wanna thank her for not only making my journey but making me live my dream. To have been able to have my dream is amazing and I couldn’t have imagined it with anybody else.

I have been down recently as I lost my girlfriend, she let me go due to her being very ill which shattered my heart…but now I’m fine and realise I should just be lucky to have experienced something some people never get too.

I’m grateful to have some incredible memories and I feel so privileged to have said the words I love you. 

Through out her ilness she has stayed strong and battled away, she’s cried, she’s been ill she’s smiled and laughed she’s in a strange hospital with strange people eatting food and trying to battle her inner strength and her bravery brings a tear to my eye Iv never been proud of anyone as much as I am of her even now, I don’t know how she’s doing but I’m positive she will be smashing it.

I close my eyes and whisper good night to her every night, we may no longer be together but I haven’t stopped praying for her health and strength.

Greatful

So after watching the most addictive tv program ever lol It got me thinking about her…seeing as I know she no longer reads my blogs, I decided I could say this out loud.
On walking into the bar on our first date I had no idea it would be a moment that would change my life and I would experience feelings I didn’t know exist. 
I write in fear that no words can do her justice this very special girl made life so easy for me to act myself around her. I used to count my lucky stars and I felt honoured to call this girl my girlfriend.  

We had some challenging times but I wouldn’t change any of them, as they made us stronger people, these scenarios made me realise I found something in someone I didn’t realise i could find.

With all the hard times I would have probably lived a short life through stress lol but would have done it just to be with the girl version of me.

There are amazing ways to describe her to visually see her beautiful presence is easy to see, but to get to know someone and realise her true beauty is within the heart she has and she shares it with others and this is a special sight to witness.
An I wanna thank her for not only making my journey but making me live my dream. To have been able to have my dream is amazing and I couldn’t have imagined it with anybody else.
I have been down recently as I lost my girlfriend, she let me go due to her being very ill which shattered my heart…but now I’m fine and realise I should just be lucky to have experienced something some people never get too.
I’m grateful to have some incredible memories and I feel so privileged to have said the words I love you. 
I close my eyes and whisper good night to her every night, we may no longer be together but I haven’t stopped praying for her health and strength.

It’s getting worse

What the hell happened to me yesterday, Iv been fine….until yesterday.
I came home in a complete state, like Iv never felt before I’m so lost it’s unbelievable still I can’t stop this feeling I have tried everything possible to man. But last night hit a low I made my mum cry she hates seeing me like this she offered my her room if it would help or to move to my Nans of even ask my dad and she hates that I hate being at her house. She got upset because I didn’t eat my dinner again and that I sat in the chair and just cried and cried mixture of emotions and pain I keep getting pain in my stomach and sides. I can’t remember seeing my mum cry before 😦 makes me realise I’m not fine to have that impact on someone.

Then to top it off I’m at work today in pain and my only friend calls me, and she begins to cry on the phone to me as “she wants me back” she wants to help me but doesn’t know how, she says she can’t bare listening to me or seeing me upset. I can’t believe I’m now affecting others.

Iv come into work first time I don’t wanna be here at all, I passed my probation and they want me to be a supervisor too….but I can’t do it, my hearts not into anything I can’t do it. I need go doctors but I’m also thinking of asking for some help in my mood, but doing this will finish my dream my career I always wanted, I worked hard for years moved away and everything all for this one job and I’m gonna have throw it all away because I’m a mess.
Why???? Why am I?
I lost my partner due to her illness she didn’t want me, is that a reason to complete destroy my life? 
I dream practically every other day the words “your killing her” I can’t get that out my head I can’t stop blaming myself, I can’t stop it every single second I think about it. I never wanna hurt someone, Iv never loved anyone so much In my life…but what do I want right now to help? Like what would I dream of??
To see her???? No, I don’t think I could face it, that’s how much I can’t cope. 

Do I wanna get back with her??? No, right now i couldn’t. Do I wanna talk to her??? I’m not even sure.

So what do I want???? It’s not the girlfriend side of stuff I miss as much as my abso best friend…I didn’t realise how much of my best friend she was. 
This whole situation is out of control, what happened? Why did this happen? The life of sitting in the sunshine smiling and laughing with a drink…seems like a dream doesn’t feel like it ever happened, this is just a massive nightmare I can’t wake up from, I just wish there was anyone who make me listen. 

Help me

What’s happening to me…

Iv got home an I couldn’t bring myself to go home I had to drive round the block 7/8 times I didn’t not wanna go in doors negative. I then parked the car and couldn’t open the door I didn’t wanna get out.

Iv come in come to my room closed the door and I can’t stop crying I don’t wanna be here…this is beyound losing a loved one, what’s happening to me??? I sit here an I’m scarred incase someone walks inn I don’t know why, I’m shaking I’m so scared I have no one to talk to no where to turn…I don’t even know what’s happening I can’t unpack my stuff I can’t eat I’m just abso balling my eyes out, I don’t know why? I’m so scarred 😢

What’s happening to me?????

I wish someone would help me! I’m just so scarred 😢