Dropped

So another twist in my life, so yesterday she tells me she’s on a date Friday to which I’m like ok, I don’t like because his using her for one thing and I care about her.She takes my quiet response and blames her self saying she’s messed up etc to which I stupidly reply, you can’t mess I up l like you as in “like you”

After I said it was like damm your be freaked out now, il leave you alone because I can’t deal with the awkwardness and the way it will have ruined everything.

To which she totally just stopped talking to me no good bye nothing ignored all my tx my call the lost which is crazy.

So she did reply this morning saying we can’t be intimate anymore to which I accept but naturally want to discover why which turns into all sorts of nothing basically.

I’m blamed now because it’s all over us not being physical which it isn’t, I just don’t wanna lose the connection we have.

She is now not really talking with me and cancelled all our plans for the weekend….I’m totally confused.

This is all my fault she’s making out 😢 I don’t get it I just tried to be nice that’s all, an Iv been completely dropped but if I mention that I’m wrong again.

I don’t get why she hates me this much to be like this to me, Iv been there for all loads recently and now she’s got a better offer I’m no longer required I don’t understand it, what so wrong with me? Why does every not care about me? All I want in the world is for anyone to give a damm? But I’m nothing to no one… just that idiot 

Hating someone 

I don’t blame anyone apart from me…
Last night after messing stuff up again, I wanted to give up. I’m sick a tired of someone to the point I can’t stand them…that isn’t me.

The hatred I have towards them is unreal, there smell, there way with words, every associated with them I absolutely hate with a passion just their name is enough.

I watch them upset someone special to me, stupid things but it’s enough to maker that special one annoyed upset and hate this person too, she’s lovely though and says she doesn’t but he knows that we both hate him, not number one in anboodys life because the way he fails so all the time, now I know this is terrible to we should support this person but there is only so much guidance until you realise there just pathetic, the look of them, there social media input, the car they drive if I see another I’m like grrrrr reminds me of him, certainly places associated with them it makes me angry, I wanna see them suffer for being so useless to everyone else.

I got asked what do you wanna do, I said I could and want to kill them…..but the problem is this person I hate, it’s me!!
So how do you get rid of you, out of your own life?

Need to give in 

I’m at that point again, I can’t take anymore.I’m so useless I’m so pathetic, no has respect for I’m just the idiot with a heart.

This hasn’t come about over love or jealousy, it’s all about me, my name is Jamie and growing up unloved growing older you want that love(don’t get me wrong I don’t understand it and I mess everything up) all jamie wants in the world is for someone to seriously care about him.

Yeah Iv I’m a nice guy, I do stuff I shouldn’t to see people smile yeah I go above and beyond because I care.

I just realised how people care but I’m not the priority I make others, not even close.

I hate me for putting me through this and causing all this….. I don’t wanna be me anymore, I don’t wanna wake up tomorrow I don’t wanna carry on day in day out jamie just jamie that’s my life that it. 

I’m ready to throw in the towel, Iv tried for months to be strong do this do that…. an I just can’t do it, I need to get a out, I need to escape this pain, I want people understand why I want to get out.
Unfortunately as I write this I know what’s the point….I give up

MUG

So bang, my tiny moment of happiness has again smashed me in the face.Someone who is used by others and appreciates you when there not there runs straight to them when they click there fingers.

You try hard to do everything right…yet it’s them that says love is creeping inn, it’s freaks me and makes me confused, thought she hates me, it plays of my mind then I realise that the person who plays them a fool, has got there attention and the amazing best friend social media knows all about can’t always be bothered so makes excuses yet still is best thing since sliced bread.
So it’s back to reality, 4 forward 9 back. 
When will I stop being happy being second best or 3rd/4th 😦 when will I realise I mean nothing to anyone 

Give me a break, brain!

At this particular second, my brain is hurting this is being caused by unfortunately an ever reliable friend Anxiety!
So I spent my weekend with someone very very special to me, I let her down massively due to my anxiety and depression a few months ago.
But decided when I realised what was wrong I would not stop till I had conquered it. I remember walking into the GP’s room and just didn’t no what to say how to explain or even say I wanted help. But few tears later I told them and I was signed up to counselling which hmmmm not sure but the worst part and for me the most scariest….tablets.
Maybe one day il tell my journey. But after so many down moments, sad moments, tears, confusion I somehow managed to show this amazing girl I’d made sooo much effort to fix things, she never said she can a difference but I guessed silence is fine when the time of day she was giving me spoke volumes.
All these moments fuel my train which is now moving quicker and away from anxiety and depression, which more to the point has lead to us spending this weekend together.

I am very cautious when I’m around her as to not mess up or upset the moment, it’s important to me she realises I’m never stopping with my effort to fix this it’s all different as I let my self down so bad through her so this is very important to me.

This weekend I tried help her trough some disappointments and succeeded, from Friday night I seen her smile lots and lots and laughter we had lots of fun this mixed with her and me being so stupidly alike…. who walks round a super market with someone goes hang on Iv just thought some thing else for lunch I want and she says il go get them you get the potatoes I had not even said what I wanted but she went and got exactly it…that’s crazy, so basically this weekend was amazing and refreshing from the dark emptiness of depression and loneliness for one weekend I ignored life.
How ever yesterday she woke up a little upset, said our closeness what blurring her mind and that she didn’t want us to be so close…. then changed her mind real fast.

Now I know what ya thinking, how ever I know it’s not she likes me…TBH loving wise she hates me, friendship wise I think she tolerates me, it’s defiantly not the black and white you think.

But that was it she never mentioned it again, we stayed the same way through out the weekend and she was happy.

Yet I can’t get the image erased from my brain I see her tears and just think it’s all my fault I never wanna see her sad or cry especially because of me it’s totally got to me, tonight I asked what was wrong and she said everything… I asked what an I’m one them things, apparently I don’t need to worry Iv done nothing wrong and nothing’s changing between us(the way we are is diff friendship…but all in a good way) which is great I should be happy been a brilliant weekend…. how ever I just can’t stop my brain telling me Iv done wrong, I’m gonna lose her from life, I’m gonna spend all my spare time again back In the dark place, the image of her tears wont go away, it’s all my fault…. why is my brain doing this it’s sure it ruins my weekend, why does this happen?

Sorry this makes zero sense just going with the whole write what my pea (brain) is thinking.

Can never do right 

Don’t really know what I wanna write about yet I wanna write. 
So let’s try and explain, so I have a close friend who is very important to me very I would and do anything I possible can for her.

She stays at mine with me quite a bit ATM, this morning she cried and said to me she felt were acting more then friends and was confusing her (I didn’t think she liked me…. in fact I thought the opposite) how ever she’s happy when we are together and we’re both single and not doing anything wrong, so why cry.

She got let down by a friend for tonight and she got all depressed and just sat in the coffee shop and starred into space.

Yet I tried and tried and tried to help but it just didn’t work it wasn’t me she wanted to be around so she quickly escaped to get away from me, I did how ever tell her to come see me later so she’s not alone I wanna make sure she’s okay, she said yes hesitantly I knew that meant no but don’t wanna say it.
She has been out on a date with this guy a couple of times, who was only interested in her for one thing and is selective when he can be bothered yet even with his terrible attitude, he has all her attention and if we asked to her tonight she would be there or probably will be anyway.
I just feel like I try so hard yet everything I do is incorrect, I go out my way to make sure I do correctly and bend over backwards to be there. But it’s clear il never be special but the way it makes you feel when you know when someone acts like a a******e and is a stranger compared to you is far more important and clearly can’t do anything wrong.
You start questioning what you do wrong and how you can be so useless at everything…clearly, why can’t I be the first thought not a chore! Thoughts running around….quick way to get confused and fed up and now you realise il have deal with it on my own.

It’s not being a mug….it’s keeping a promise 

So over the past few months Iv had some massive struggles but one massive struggle is watching someone else struggle.
So someone important has been struggling all her life building upto her mood at present and over the last 10 years had experienced a roller coaster of emotions good times bad times and the worst times but some how she keeps going and I commend that strength and bravery I’m not sure I could do it.

Food…. we all eat food, breakfast, dinner,lunch, supper, snacks throughout the day it’s nothing and a pleasure to you and me, how ever for some people food is a devil it plays with your mind the image that is seen in the mirror is the total different to what really is standing there, a restaurant can be scary, your heart pumping, sweaty palms, thoughts running through your head, when the most important thing on the menu becomes the calorie count not the sickly ingredients in the Sunday ice cream or the size of the steak or the amount of animals in a mix grill (sorry veggies) calories rules your choice and ruins your night.

Shopping becomes a task a weekly shop contains a few tins, bit salad, a yogurt for a treat and that’s about it (apart from sweets of course) but the shop is a very well drilled mission all food is check for fat contents and all sorts (I’m not too sure) but while I wheel around the isles pushing an empty trolley I wounder do I look stupid swinging around and crashing the trolley or the fact two of us participate in pushing a trolley with no food hmmmm.
So selection of food is not a quick mission, how ever the thought of food and needing to lose it out the back door shall we say is very important. Terrible phrase never again. 
How ever laxatives have become a part of every day life for her, this is my down side I struggle to watch the pain she is inn in the middle of the night, the pain she tells me about all day, the Hugh need to go to the toilet no body should be poping pills and drinks syrup stuff (I’m technical I know) the mess these so called drugs have on her body breaks my heart she knows that.

She tries so hard but thoughts are to powerful when you are so weak.
This evening she told how much she weighed and the number is incomprehensible it is scary, she lives at home in a loving home with food not in a poor country.
The happiness in her voice though when she does take a pill or survives a day with out food… destroys me I hear that voice when I close my eyes, it beyound sad.
This girl was once apart of my life in a big way, don’t get me wrong I don’t recognise her serial dating, making mistakes and repeating daily sometimes. An il be honest she will read this bit…. she knows too she has not treat me very well over time and is lucky I guess (sounds so big headed)

How ever

This the important part, once upon I told this young lady I loved her and she one day would be my wife, but when I said that I made a promise to who ever was above that you gave this opportunity I would re pay you by sticking by this girl…

I am stupid and an idiot at times not bad bad may I add but I lost what I had and I miss my old life soooo bad, but made someone a promise and that I would repay them for my little happiness by making sure this incredible girl always has me not matter what. When people say “I love you” they hardly mean it but one day when you do,  your know why I do what I do.

People call me a mug say I’m silly your being used I feel a mug sometimes, how ever no body ever experiences a bond two people have, supporting her is important to me but it’s painful to sit back and watch her life change when I know the little girl inside is screaming for me…I just know.
So to people who say I love you to someone…. think will you still love them when they hate you? Will you still love them when they are no longer them self, will you support them in something you hate….if you can, then cherish your moments! Don’t regret like I do and most all stick by them.
Don’t judge a smile as there is so much going on inside.
Ps this to show I understand I listen and always pay attention, may not like it but I support it as it’s your choice.