A lay in bed and I’m struggling.
First time this week or so I feel the need to blog. Some changes have happened and I’m smiling I’m happy being around someone, my face hurts I smile and I laugh like I can’t remember when.
But I’m enjoying so much becoming best friends with her as she is so special.
But my family is falling apart, two members are failing there battles and one I’m so close to is failing, it doesn’t break my heart it tears my heart, it’s all happened so fast and it’s so scary, I cuddle my pillow right now wishing I wasn’t alone, tonight was a struggle till I went out, someone knows me well too well made me smile held my hand and made me feel loved.
I need to get away from work, from aeroplanes from life, there’s only one way and I can’t way for my weekend to get in a bubble.
What a night.
I laughed this evening more then I can remember over nothing, I smiled at my phone for the first time in a long time.
But that soon got put to one side, I finally told this girl face to face she just wasn’t for me.
It didn’t go down well and I hate seeing someone cry, specially over me I wouldn’t waste a tear on me.
She told me I’m making a mistake saying she wasn’t for me and that it was just my mood atm and how she can help me.
But she didn’t realise she isn’t helping me someone has helped me more in 24 hours then she has in weeks.
But the tears are heart breaking and being called a user wasn’t nice, but did I???
I’m laying in bed wide awake I feel terrible, my phone is going off over an over an over again begging to see me over the weekend.
I’m dreading this weekend as it is with out this, I need to get smashed can’t remember the last time I was, temptation to open a beer now is massive.
My mood was so good earlier now it’s back to feeling bad and feeling like a terrible person again 😦
What has happened?
A couple of weeks ago I was happy, positive pushing for a big promotion at work, eating really well.
Today….I spoke to someone about what I’m doing and, I no longer eat breakfast which I was everyday I no longer eat lunch either starting this week and the last few nights Iv not even done dinner either. I’m not eatting any snacks or anything, I’m not drinking anything either apart from a few pints of beer.
I haven’t been in the shower since the day I arrived at work which was Tuesday and I feel a tramp, I have done nothing when not working except lay in bed had my iPad on but not been looking at it, I have my phone next to me but don’t really look at as what’s the point?
I go home tomorrow and I’m not really bothered, I will sleep then go home at lunch time and il go to bed when I get in that “girl” wants to come see me tomorrow but I don’t want too, then il spend all day Tuesday in bed and then come back to work Tuesday night ready for Wednesday….literally lost my will my fight my everything and I can’t quite put my finger on why.
However…it doesn’t matter why or who but tonight someone made me feel special, important cared for 15mins or so I felt different I felt someone and not this horrible criminal person I am growing to hate.
I cooked my dinner and recently I just have one mouthful and bin and omg I really wanted to do the same tonight but the only reason I cooked it were the words “do it for me” I literally ate not for me but literally for them, I had fork full of food and just stared at it but I did it just for them. I can’t remember the last time I felt support like that from someone I value, so thanks.
I don’t have an issue with food, but when I’m down I give up food it’s what I do, an I can already tell Iv lost a lot of weight in two weeks, my jeans need my belt again and I have to use all the whole in my belt.
I can’t sleep, I hate life and I’m so lonely, what I would to rewind to a point just to get a cuddle off of someone.
I don’t understand why this is so difficult, the problem being a week tomorrow is my bday too and the closer it gets the more depressed I become, I hate this shitty life.
I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I’m not interested in anything and I don’t wanna talk to anyone.
Yet I’m lonely and I’m tired.
My loneliness is tearing me to shreds atm, I literally have spoken with one person who isn’t sure they wanna speak with me.
Iv been told my ex partner doesn’t hate me, yet doesn’t wanna talk with me either, guess it means I’m a bad person I am the awful person everyone thinks, I hate myself I hate it hate it.
This wouldn’t be the case if i was a nice person but I’m not or people would want to talk to me people wouldn’t care about anything because they would wanna talk to me 😦
I’m lost totally lost and Iv no one nothing at all.
The last couple of weeks Iv lost everything, I have been doing so well and made so many changes I was there making a success but now I’m back to the bottom, last few days Iv thought about suicide and self harming.
People complain about loneliness but hardly anyone knows the loneliness I am describing, it’s not just no girlfriend or boyfriend this is having nothing, it’s tearing me apart.
I’m struggling to cope and I’m done
Asleep at 2100 last night, ate a takeaway in my room, got one text message…from someone I’m not bothered by with a message I can only take wasn’t true, luckily I take with a pinch of salt.
I woke up this morning, nothing on my phone at all, feel rather awake and want to say good morning, ask someone is, see how someone’s night was anything and to anyone who’s actually interested, I’m just bored of my own company, lonely is not the word.
The feeling of wanting someone just to chat to, the feeling of wanting to say let’s have a coffee or a beer an hour in my day that’s different, or just seeing someone’s name on my phone of someone who isn’t after anything.
My birthday is doing my brain Inn, my brother still wanting me to come along, but why everyone is coupled up even my bro and I’m just the guy with no one to even talk to let alone be my partner, the one person who i care about the most hates my guts and definitely won’t talk to me regardless what I’m being told…
Trying to work out what’s so wrong with me? I’m nearly 32 I want to settle down have a simple happy life, but I’m no where near it I don’t even have anyone to talk to now!!
I getting to the end of my patients with it all now
Just feeling fed up now.
I’m ill again, I’m away from home, I’m lonely.
I don’t bother charging my phone anymore as what’s the point, the people who do call I just ignore, the whatsapp from that girl I just read and ignore and there a hell of a lot.
I got an email the other day which was kinda crazy, but I never got a reply, I kinda knew I wouldn’t.
I can’t explain my mood, but Iv literally fallen miles back in an instant, I feel guilty, awful, responsible and realise how much I’m hated.
I’m off for a couple weeks in October but to do nothing not see anyone not talk to anyone nothing but try do more my community service. Everytime I do it I don’t feel like I’m a good man doing something, I feel the awful terrible human being everyone thinks I am 😦
For some reason I just can’t get this out of my head atm, everything backs up what I thought and was told.
I’m so lonely, I will tx no one today, I will finish work go to my hotel and sit in my room, I won’t switch the tv on again il do nothing just lay in bed!!!
My birthday is coming up, my brother and his partner have plans and all my friends in there couples but Iv pretended I’m working because I don’t wanna celebrate it, I won’t receive anything from my dad and again this year I spend it alone and lost.
What’s so wrong with me? I must deserve this life 😦
Why this happening : ( what do I believe I don’t understand.
Iv been told she doesn’t hate me but then Iv been told that’s just guilt when I fact she has too.
Then been informed she’s forgiving her ex for same as what I did so I can’t of meant anything to her perhaps that’s why she hates me.
I don’t wanna believe this rubbish but why can’t I stop my self agreeing : (
I literally have zero persons to tell any of this too literally no one at all.
All a sudden though I’m making a mess of life, considering stupid things on my commute to work that’s before I read my msgs. Now I’m here in my hotel alone, I just don’t no what to do or anything I’m sat in the bar all alone drinking, I need this nightmare to be over.
That nightmare is my life