This is a blog of two thoughts,
I have just watched loved island and I agree with a blog I read earlier about it being terrible to base on looks when love is about personality and that is the truth I couldn’t agree more.
But when you watch there reaction to each other and they enjoy small touches and believe they are attributes of a special relationship, yet I had that.
Me and my ex used to be very close we were extremely affectionate, we used to sing with each other laugh for hours on end and play silly games, we could sing out loud rude songs or cartoon theme tunes we could walk to the street at 1am through boredom or go to the shops dressed as a tramp as we didn’t care, we would walk in the rain In wellies through thick mud, we would be clown around at the seaside…our love was not worrying about what’s right, what’s wrong, what’s normal what’s not, what mattered was we did it together and we always did stuff with a smile and laughing 🙂 who fist pumps there girlfriend or pretends to be superman walking through busy London…. it was just us 🙂
I smile when I write this I smile a lot, but that doesn’t describe how I feel right now. I’m sad that I stupidly messed up i stupidly thought I could change her mind when in fact I made her mind up if I had walked away we would have been fine, she’s the girl I was meant to marry.
Instead Iv spent the last few days planning to do something real stupid, I have been drinking lots and lots I don’t sleep anymore I throw the empty bottles away over the back garden, I pulled the razor blade apart to enable the blade to cut me, I have decided to cut deep along my shoulder so I feel the pain more and all the time, I have googled torture techniques to torture myself…why you say it’s stupid yeah it’s completely stupid but no one understands everything is different this time I don’t date I hate online dating, I don’t check social media. I don’t get out of bed anymore…why? What is the point? My phone remains on 90% all day I don’t get any msgs apart from group chats that aren’t aimed at me. I don’t eat anymore because I can’t be bothered.
I am due to travel to Heathrow on Sunday and I have been planning a suicide attempt, I have also brought something silly online at the thought of drinking it to hurt myself…it’s extreme and stupid, but no one knows what it’s like to have literally nothing at all living your life in anger at your self and missing someone so much it hurts. Longing to hear from some love but just being the hate in there life.
I’m not sure il blog anymore, but I need to get out of this mess and everyone keeps saying time and your be fine but no, I feel worse!!