It’s getting worse

What the hell happened to me yesterday, Iv been fine….until yesterday.
I came home in a complete state, like Iv never felt before I’m so lost it’s unbelievable still I can’t stop this feeling I have tried everything possible to man. But last night hit a low I made my mum cry she hates seeing me like this she offered my her room if it would help or to move to my Nans of even ask my dad and she hates that I hate being at her house. She got upset because I didn’t eat my dinner again and that I sat in the chair and just cried and cried mixture of emotions and pain I keep getting pain in my stomach and sides. I can’t remember seeing my mum cry before 😦 makes me realise I’m not fine to have that impact on someone.

Then to top it off I’m at work today in pain and my only friend calls me, and she begins to cry on the phone to me as “she wants me back” she wants to help me but doesn’t know how, she says she can’t bare listening to me or seeing me upset. I can’t believe I’m now affecting others.

Iv come into work first time I don’t wanna be here at all, I passed my probation and they want me to be a supervisor too….but I can’t do it, my hearts not into anything I can’t do it. I need go doctors but I’m also thinking of asking for some help in my mood, but doing this will finish my dream my career I always wanted, I worked hard for years moved away and everything all for this one job and I’m gonna have throw it all away because I’m a mess.
Why???? Why am I?
I lost my partner due to her illness she didn’t want me, is that a reason to complete destroy my life? 
I dream practically every other day the words “your killing her” I can’t get that out my head I can’t stop blaming myself, I can’t stop it every single second I think about it. I never wanna hurt someone, Iv never loved anyone so much In my life…but what do I want right now to help? Like what would I dream of??
To see her???? No, I don’t think I could face it, that’s how much I can’t cope. 

Do I wanna get back with her??? No, right now i couldn’t. Do I wanna talk to her??? I’m not even sure.

So what do I want???? It’s not the girlfriend side of stuff I miss as much as my abso best friend…I didn’t realise how much of my best friend she was. 
This whole situation is out of control, what happened? Why did this happen? The life of sitting in the sunshine smiling and laughing with a drink…seems like a dream doesn’t feel like it ever happened, this is just a massive nightmare I can’t wake up from, I just wish there was anyone who make me listen. 

Help me

What’s happening to me…

Iv got home an I couldn’t bring myself to go home I had to drive round the block 7/8 times I didn’t not wanna go in doors negative. I then parked the car and couldn’t open the door I didn’t wanna get out.

Iv come in come to my room closed the door and I can’t stop crying I don’t wanna be here…this is beyound losing a loved one, what’s happening to me??? I sit here an I’m scarred incase someone walks inn I don’t know why, I’m shaking I’m so scared I have no one to talk to no where to turn…I don’t even know what’s happening I can’t unpack my stuff I can’t eat I’m just abso balling my eyes out, I don’t know why? I’m so scarred 😢

What’s happening to me?????

I wish someone would help me! I’m just so scarred 😢

Time to go home

So it’s come to an end, I began this 12 days a complete and utter state and as it continued it got worse. I spent along time asleep 🙈 I don’t really cry anymore…not saying I didn’t on Monday lol or a little one today hahahaha 

I have began to eat again which I was warned against, but trust me I am more then aware. Iv made myself rather poorly though and a visit to the doctor is required lol 

But after starving myself, tears and tears, anger, isolation from the world and everyone, after cutting my arms, visit to the hospital oh an reading and reading an reading lol I didn’t even know I could read lol

It’s time to return home, I am seriously nervous I’m nervous to see my family I’m nervous to be back in my room I hate being in my own room with a passion, there’s many many feelings going through my mind.

Why though it’s my family home why am I nervous to be at my own home??? Then it’s back to work Sunday too…so much of back to reality I’m very nervous it sounds crazy I know.
I’m not really sure I guess just the memories and stuff. Iv avoided making contact with people and all sorts so interaction is scary too lol 

But all this aside, I am standing on my own two feet I’m a very focused again, I’m back in control am moving in the correct direction.

It’s been F***** mental to be honest, this has all come from no where at all, I should be at home now and was planning a future with my girlfriend, instead I don’t know how she’s getting on, she has blocked me on everything, her family hate me, I’m not sure if I’m gonna pass my probation at work due time off, I’m in serious pain a lot of the time due to destroying my body, Iv been reminded of my violent abusive childhood and I have to get my head around my dad having a baby with a girl younger then me, I have constant nightmares now and flash backs of stuff with him and my ex…but ya know what I am Jamie, bring it onn!!! 
I am in this alone now, Jamie against the world…tomorrow is the beginning of it all time to show all Iv been through this last couple weeks.
Thanks to everyone who has helped me supported me and helped me help myself.
I’m back!

I learnt a theory today about positive energy, have you ever wondered why if you think about someone they normally appear on your social media or they call you or when you buy a new car you start seeing that car everywhere. Well it’s due to it being a positive thought actually attracts us to that actual thought.

My life is a soap opera.

So where I’m at right now. Big steps have been made this week.
My life could be the best TV soap known to man, I grew up getting beaten and unwanted, I move away for 10 years Iv had multiple relationship breakdowns, the last being the hardest my ex got sick so sick she ended up in hospital after months of helping she had enough of me and now her family hate me coz of it too. I have been getting help to help me get trough my violent childhood. Today I hit a few blocks more ignoring more blocking more having my support thrown at me, more ignoring from my dad till the point Iv found out his gonna be to busy to talk again soon as his girlfriend who is younger then me is having a baby girl…and it’s my dads…wtf.
It should be me having a family not him, honestly right now I’m just laughing as this would normally push me over the edge, life is funny it really is, I feel like people get a kick out of misery but Iv made steps I won’t let these things bother me. Iv discovered something about people this week I never realised about humans in general and it’s made me very intrigued.
But you no what I’m gonna smile again soon, I made myself ill through stress, unhappiness through anxiety through depression…and why? Because I thought I should punish myself, never listen to others follow your own head I let others think I should punish myself…. not any longer, I’m not guilty, Iv done nothing wrong.
I sent some advice today, sometimes were to busy looking at the end product to miss the steps we are taking now…all a sudden this after an interesting evening Iv discovered I have made strides not just steps, I don’t need anything. I just need to enjoy myself live life and go with the flow it used to be my saying…time to get back to it. I can’t change yesterday, I don’t care about tomorrow…but il embrace today 🙂

Don’t be taken for granted, you learn so much more when you step back and take stuff in.

Life isn’t shit, life has hurdles some are massive but there just hurdles, clip the hurdles but don’t lie back or people will step over you or on you. Get up and keep running you won’t hit every hurdle if your positive you will make it further.

Don’t give up people 🙂 

 

Changes 

It’s time this all finishes. I ended up in hospital last night, why am I putting myself through this. (I didn’t do anything stupid)
I’m not this person I’m behaving, I’m ready to move on from him now from this moment. My mind has escaped me, I don’t recognise anything a smell a colour anything my mind has gone it’s lost and it hurts.
I remember all those things I wanted all those dreams we had talked about but I have to find a new way away from my inner thoughts and feelings.

I never meant for any of this pain I cause to everyone myself included, if I could go back in time I would change everything, but I can’t.
I can’t explain what my thoughts have been because my brain and heart have got mixed up, but I’m hurting every single second and pain gets worse not better…but it’s pain I brought on myself. It’s time though I stood up and accepted I’m not perfection but I am me, I need to find me again. I once stood tall and proud but now I’m shattered I’m in peaces on the floor and I’m scarred the wind will blow me away.
I know your going to read this and I want you to know it doesn’t matter, nothing matters, you couldn’t have loved me any better and I can’t change a thing that’s happened, i wasnt ready to say goodbye I planned to begin not to end, but I want you to find better.
I will never stop loving and right now I also pray for your health and your strength. I’m never gone tho, maybe this bad passing storm but not who I really am, I’m always here. I want to make you aware I don’t have hate or have anger for anyone just admiration and a huge amount of proudness for the greatest character to have ever been written in my story.
I’m not a bad person, maybe unfortunate and rather silly but I’m just the little boy who’s scared, who has wounds from his childhood, his lost and lonely…but I mean no harm, I just seek love and safety. To all I cause pain…I can’t say sorry enough..

take it from me I am truly sorry and I miss my life I miss my story 

The next day

So I didn’t sleep a minute last night. I don’t like the day time so I try to be tired to sleep all day but it doesn’t work. I can’t get it out of my head, I’m still be punished and everyone’s being turned against me, I’m an awful human bein. How the hell has this happened??? Like why?
I feel like I’m not punishing myself enough, what should I do? 
This shouldn’t be happening, why is it? Why does everyone hate me? Why do I hate me?
What’s the point in me being alive? So much going on in my head, it was just getting under control…Iv had 3 nearly 4 weeks of this now… my life was great, I went to work and said good bye to her and didn’t realise that would be the beginning of this torture… I need to end the torture, I can’t take anymore, this isn’t a life it’s a mess!