Love

Today has been frustrating, I can’t bare being painted into a monster. People are sharing there story’s of being abused and comparing them to hers, I’m not like that in any shape or form. But I’m a strong believer and was willing to try everything in the name of love…even if my attempts were kinda clumsy.

I have love in side of me that is so strong it’s made me cry, it made me suicidal and it made daily routines impossible…love is a powerful feeling.
The reason we fall in love is down to person you fall in love with, you can have a connection with people some sexually some intellectually…but a connection that causes you to lose control at times and causes you to be the happiest ever and sometimes saddest is a connection that not many people ever truely experience.
My experience was crazy, for me my love is based on this…
The instant connection with a stranger who instantly isn’t a stranger, the speed in which your friendship develops with out a day feeling like it’s gone by. It’s about sharing you deepest darkest and personally secrets with someone who holds your hand and says “you’ve got me now” it’s the little things, it’s the going to a restaurant and picking each other’s food, it’s the sharing of dinner with out asking, it’s drinks being ordered by choice for each other, it’s the small things. It’s when she turns up at your house with your both favourite stash of sweets and fizzy pop. It’s the way you sit across from each other and bully each other alone and infront of others, while holding hands or cuddling. It’s about doing crazy things, laying outside in the cold watching stars or looking aeroplanes in the dark (personal thing) it’s about being tired but being tired together. It’s about caring so much what the other persons family think, it’s about watching her interact with your family and them falling in love with her too. It’s about falling asleep with her and talking about your future your dreams your family. It’s about walking through shops and imagining your future it’s about planning your future it’s about wanting no one in your further but them.
It’s about holding there hand, it’s about crying when they cry, it’s about going out of your mind trying anything to see them better. It’s about not wanting them to die, to sit with them in hospitals but be scarred and try to help but not know how to then you mess up, but you keep trying.
It’s about losing them…but fighting for there love, losing your dignity and self respect in the honour of your love. It’s about spending everyday wishing it was a dream thinking of anything that could fix it, it’s about taking the blame and taking it again. It’s about gulping when she dates a new man because you still your bride.
It’s about not wanting to replace ever, it’s about not being able to replace.
It’s called true love, I will never witness again and I don’t want too. Because I was born into this world to me the most incredible girl in the world and I not only meet her I got to spend 14 months with this angel, I got to experience what I was born for that’s the word “LOVE” that four letter word when used properly, is crazy, unpredictable but most of all powerful.

The correct blog

That blog was wrong.

I feel head over heals in love with a human being, she was my soulmate I still love her so much.
I messed up, I made bad choices, I made silly choices, I said stuff I didn’t mean and I reacted incorrectly…how ever I would never ever hurt a hair on her head. I am full of regret for not just letting her go and I’m ashamed of my behaviour from the past, but my past was my past when we got back together last I promised I’d changed an I’m not that person who messed up before. I won’t apologise for trying to talk to her, I love her il shout it from top of any building il write it everywhere.
But things have changed, she has changed she no longer what i thought not love me she hated me to the point it seemed her mission to hurt me.
So I stopped two weeks ago, I stopped for her Iv already built some confidence back and moving like she said too.
I am shocked to hear how much she loves and loved me I never realised how much till now, but like wise disappointed she continues to describe me an her as bad, I am our relationship doesn’t deserve exaggeration.
Life is so short and I can’t imagine my life with out her, I want her to be my wife…but she made it clear, I am continuing with my life. I miss her everyday but she’s making me question our memories, I have asked her not too, it’s sad we were never that bad…she wouldn’t still love me if I was. It’s not nice to read people comment as if I’m some animal…I’m not, I messed up and I’m sorry, but I can’t pay the price for all my life.

In 3 days, I nearly died, my best friends close relative did die….an Iv found out I have a sister. This a moment I need Aimee chats, but it’s not gonna happen she continues to punish me, us our relationship… life’s way to short for this we don’t another go another day…it’s just one life!!!

I’m so sorry to my family and to Aimee and her family, I didn’t ever mean to make this special young lady feel this way about me, I let her an all you down and for that…I’m sorry!

i can’t help it

Time to go

 

I wanna apologise for being really difficult recently. I wanna thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for being there for me. I may have lost someone I care about but Iv have people who cares back at me too. My head is struggling my body’s doesn’t like me much, yet I can’t continue like this anymore….an writtint this I’m crying my eyes out 🙈
I’m really scarred or writting a whole new chapter and it not being what I planned….but I have to 😢😔

I am a 31 year chap, who spends his life worrying about someone who just wants to hurt him. I sit here now so upset, I’m off work because it’s getting so bad.

But enough is enough, I will battle this life alone if I have too, it has to be better then fighting for someone who doesn’t even like me anymore!!!

With the post I say goodbye…

I will be back

Crazy 48hours

So the last 48 hours have been crazy to say the least, I sit at work right now having sneaked in some sleep a very proud young man.There are 2 reasons for this see if you can work them out.

2 days ago my ex who I wasn’t talking with properly after messing up with anxiety, well she asked me if I could pick her up from work….this is where it begun it turned out she had been trying to take her life she had tried to throw her self down the stairs the day before and had that morning taken an excessive amount of pills and wasn’t feeling well.

I collected her she was like a lost child, she was on edge, staring into space and looked like a ghost she was so ill, she is anorexic to so her life is spiralling out of control, she didn’t look like the girl I feel in love with she doesn’t have the energy to even talk anymore, once upon we would laugh, sing along and just be generally happy. 

This completely snapped my heart in to peaces, how ever I kept it together and made her go to A&E we spent 5 hours there but had a good chat while waiting she opened up about her feelings and explained how she feels she can turn to me about anything (that made me smile) but I held her hand and went and seen every doctor and nurse with her (I did hide from the needle bit tho).

There was a moment when she was told to take her jumper off…8 jumpers, tops later she got down to just 1 and they lifted her top up wire her shall I say and I couldn’t look because she is all skin an bone 😦 she looked ill it was like a Skelton laying in a bed look like she wasn’t meant to come out she looked on deaths door I had to dig deep not to show how deviated I am. I promised the doctor I would take her home and look after her at mine. I got her home and we talked loads about us and her and she said she was giving me a chance but my last ever chance which TBH didn’t bother me, what did bother me was her.

Then yesterday 🙂 she had zero sleep I didn’t get much but she started making a difference and she still can’t see it but we were up and at her doctors for opening we got an appointment and she went and finally decided to get some time off work to recharge..step one. 

She then asked me if I would do the hardest thing Iv ever done in my life, she asked me as she was scarred if I would sit her mum down on my own and tell her what’s been happen as her parents no nothing she hides from them….so again I had to find some words and hold my nerve and I sat her mum down who i don’t know amazingly and tell her that her daughter tried to kill her self and is eatting her way to death too, how I kept that one cool I will never ever ever know but I did it for the girl I adore. Then our journey continued to her next appointment I took her to see her food councillor, this wasn’t a success she has been told they are beginning to search a bed for her to omitted to hospital, she has to drink some stuff to give her energy so she can do stuff and she has a milkshake diet as she won’t eat but just about have a milkshake. This is again heart breaking I don’t want her taken away for a length of time 😦 il miss her too much.

She has agreed to spend my 4 days off with me so I can help her an look after her….an to thank me she has booked us a couple night in my home (fav place) the other end of the country she’s never been but it’s my safe place and just wow she really didn’t need to but she wanted to say thanks and knows how special that place is to me. 

I am going to make her have a fun weekend she will smile 🙂

I just want the little princess back I adore so much, I wouldn’t done any of this for anyone else.

She’s so special and she will read this at some point and when you do I want you to read me tell the whole wide world you are one special young lady, your strength is commendable and I am so proud of you for fighting this, life is cruel and tough no one chooses to suffer, but you choose to beat it and that you are 🙂 you should be proud.
…an the second person I’m proud of me, I’m sooo proud of myself I wrote some awful blogs over the months and didn’t know if I’d still be here today to write but now I don’t know how I did it but I made myself realise and I’m not the same person at all….I dropped her home yesterday and she called me so happy her mum knew and was supporting her, when she hung up I cried on the drive home lol sooo dammm proud.
Anyway I rambled but, never give up on life it will get better. 

Happy Wednesday people 🙂 

#day10 – where i would like to live

For me it will be again one day Newcastle.

I spent all my adult life there, it’s a very special city to me.

You have the amazing night life with all the sounds and sights you expect many bars, clubs and pubs the atmosphere of happy people many visiting during weekends, the mix of people on an evening out from stag and hen dos to, people visiting for weekends or students or the ever loving Geordies them self.

Then there is also the coastal area where I lived, you have an amazing coast line which has amazing views and have walked to full length a few times from a ruined castle all the way to a light house on it’s only little island, Iv walked the beach and run along the water edge it’s amazing to clear your mind there is somthing very special about sitting on the beach in winter and feeling the wet cold air come off the sea and watching the sun go down its incredible.


Then there is the countryside to you can travel minutes away to be in a quiet country pub or woodlands to walk and explore or just sit and enjoy in the summer with an ice cream of course but experience the great out doors.


So yeah I’m not ready to return there just yet but I intend to enjoy it more and would massively like to show others of this amazing crazy city that i call HOME.
Happy Wednesday people 😬

#day9 things that make me happy

Okay, so things that make me happy are spending time with loved ones and special people.

Now I don’t have a close bond of people where I currently am, but I love spending time with certain people or person.

Also for me visiting a city I grew up in brings a lot of good memories for me I restarted my life there it’s very special to me.

But when someone does something for me I value this sooo much, makes me happy. I was today brought a cake from someone….nothing at all really something totally silly but makes me sooooo happy someone went two seconds out of there day to do something for me it’s so rare it means soooo much.

Also music, nothing makes me more happier then a good old sing song in the car cheesy music I can sing my head off too cool or not I do not care.

And my last thing is flying of course, nothing is more amazing then hurtling down a runway and taking off fighting the wind and looking at the incredible sights below you, its special makes me very happy.

#day8 my fears

Okay so playing a little catch here…
I have many fears in life but a few of the main ones are death, now death scares me which is odd as Iv thought about suicide before but death and closing my eyes and ever opening them again never thinking anything again or never talking again never moving just black just nothing it scares me yeah, I don’t want to die with out enjoying life and have experiences to which I’m currently doing neither, I’m scarred il never  experience true happiness for longer then small periods in my life.

I have a fear of being like my Dad, growing up my dad help contribute to a terrible up bringing making me the car crash of a person I am today, I never wanna turn out like him and I strive never to treat anyone the way he did to me.
Now last one is a touch strange, how ever I have a fear of heights lol yes I wanna be a pilot but I’m scared of heights I’m fine in an aircraft….just thought I would share that as it makes people laugh.