Dad

Today turned into a very emotional day. I went to visit my Nan she’s in her 80’s she’s a very frail old lady but amazing she’s very out going chatty, it her that gives me my edge it’s where I get my cheekiness and banter from.
She cried when she saw me as my no one gets on with my dad and she thought she had lost me too, I told her that would never happen. My dad has got her in so much debt and he doesn’t care, he racked up thousands of pounds on a 80 odd year old lady so he can be happy and she has hardly any pension just because it’s her son who turn round and told her he hates me that he doesn’t have a son called Jamie but he now has a daughter called Lilly, this hurt to hear this guy has affected my whole life my judgments, my mentality my moods which has all made me a lonely 31 year old guy. I hate this man who my dad, I have moments I wanna tell someone about something I have done or something Iv achieved and I should be able to tell someone but I don’t have anyone it’s sad.
So I gave my nan all my savings I’d worked so hard to save as I couldn’t see her have nothing she’s not got all that long left if we are honest I can’t see her struggle. I also left her £50 so her and my uncle could go for dinner at the weekend on me, I’m proud to say I am not my dad and I dream of having a family and never being like him but I’m also sad to know I don’t have anyone.
On top of this I have some random who will read this stalking me, I’m trying to rebuild a friendship with someone very special to me and this stranger is jealous and he won’t leave me alone. I sat at my Nans trying to make sure she could not see the tears down my face as I watched her cry talking about her son and my dad who abused me, beated me ruined my life now is destroying her last days and she still loves him so much she gave him everything she has and he said to her he has no mum and won’t be at her funeral. While this is happening I have 16 text messages asking me to help him fix stuff, telling me this telling me that….leave me alone I don’t need this.
Right now I’m trying to rebuild some bridges and it’s not easy road after everything but please leave us be.

I have to forget about my dad and continue to concentrate on me, but I miss having a dad, I’m really feeling lonely right now.

Weekend….complete

So I managed the weekend back home. It’s been filled with, coffee, dinner, drinks (coke) a real long run, KFC lol and now a bath feeling a little ill.

It’s been tough being back home, I am totally fine, I had a really bad blip which I had needed I think for a while, feeling better then before too so getting somewhere. But the disappointment in my self is so massive it’s encouraging my effort which is working well for a change.

It’s not all been simple, I have someone telling me basically how much a terrible boyfriend I was and how she hates me, literally to wind me up. When in fact his upset her not me and if anything his affects to push us apart hasn’t worked. But people learn your weakness they pick on it and he knows she’s my weakness, this is not the what you say to a so called friend.

All my blogs about Aimee are not made up, the bond we have was so much better then what someone is trying to break, good luck with that.

Starting to feel the man that I try to be more and more everyday, something really worked for me in Newcastle last week and it’s been fantastic, so trying to implement this into my normal life is my final challenge.

Getting there 🙂 even with people trying to trip me up, I’m getting there 🙂

Scared

So I came to Newcastle last Tuesday in floods of tears they day before I had just had a massive row with my family, I had only just taken and over dose with intentions to die, I had just been signed off Work, I hadn’t eatten in over 7 days and could hardly function like a human being and hadn’t left my bed for over a week.

I return home tomorrow and I’m scarred, but I do leave having run every day for 5 days and a good distance too, I have eaten enough to look at myself again in the mirror, I have spoken with my friend here to explain what I’m thinking and feeling, Iv made a couple changes in stuff I do and brought a new car all to help me start a fresh.

Now I have all this it’s time to come home and implement it all…but I’m scarred I feel physically sick, Iv been getting multiple nose bleeds due to stress and migraines. My hands are sweaty and I’m agitated.

Why, well I’m petrified i scarred of being around my family, messing it up with my ex again, being home and in my room, I’m scarred of not having Lisa, I’m worried how lonely I am gonna be I don’t have anyone in Essex anymore, I’m scarred of failing, I’m scared of making backward steps and I’m scarred of what I did.

So much going through my head, it’s crazy that I am fine but I’m so scarred to return home. Nothings lifting my mood.

 

Valentine’s

So today’s a day you promote your love with someone special.
Last night I decided that I would try to explain to my ex that she was still and important person to me regardless of what situation we were, but I got blanked.

I made a mistake a few weeks back to which I did apologise multiple times, but it seems sorry isn’t good enough, Iv never felt so much hate. But I am struggling to decide what it is Iv done so bad, I got my heart broke yet I’m the hated one.
Last night she told me I was nothing to her, which hurt a little this isn’t really our fault we aren’t together but I feel so responsible.

I’m fine, just today’s a day we promote love and a girl who is a very important part of my life and my true love, still hates me so much.

i wish I knew how I could show how sorry I am, I never wanted her to feel like this about me.

Feeling very lonely today and not very important

Today

Today’s been another belter.
Everyday I miss a certain someone, but today more so. Due to someone else though, I’m still really annoyed someone’s upset her and even more so someone else is pushing us apart.
But I’m glad she blocked him, good to see we actually stuck up for each other and have the others back that made me smile actually. It is a shame it’s so angered and informal.
But she wrote a blog about exactly what Iv been thinking tonight and watching everyone on social media out having fun, drinking, in couples etc yet I’m off work for a month and I’m about as happy as if I were on death row.
I thought how do people find it so easy they are always having fun always doing stuff, yet I find life alone so difficult but with her life was a breeze, but surely that doesn’t mean I have to have someone to succeed because I’m screwed if that’s the case no one is gonna want me.

I feel kind of in a catch 22, I literally can’t drag myself out of this whole atm. My brain is well and truely switched off Iv not spoken to a single person all day.

Life shouldn’t be like this surely

A response

Why am I blogging again.

i don’t know, but I kinda need to talk to someone but I can’t but I’m guessing she may read this.

i do not want to make you feel guilty in the slightest the more I hurt you the more I hurt myself, I hadn’t realised I’d hurt you so badly, my emotions were I guess crazy, I cant begin to explain or justify it as my brain won’t tell me anything atm.

i agree that this is our problem no one else’s, we know each other better then anyone else does better then ourselves at times too, don’t try and come between us you will not win. I’m starting to wonder if getting back was influenced so much by someone as a sick joke to pick on a couple with issues because all it’s done is destroyed to people and probably ruined my chances of ever having her as part of my life.

people are sick and people are mean, but for all we may not be talking. She’s my soulmate and we have a strong bond, so leave us alone, leave her alone and to aimee, you are not to blame for any of this at all. It was my stupid reaction I know now. You keep your head up you keep smiling and you continue please.

i am so so sorry I let you down 😦

I’m sorry

So time is a healer but I’m getting worse not better.
I haven’t been home since Tuesday, my family aren’t talking to me.
I’m about to buy a new car, literally just to cheer myself up…that is ridiculous I know but I’m so low. Work won’t let me go back to work and are arranging therapy for me, I am honestly fine.
But however I have lost a stone in weight, which to a guy who’s very slim is very bad. I am about to cancel my marathon too 😢 I trained so hard for ages but I just can’t get out of bed let alone run and my body’s so weak il never do it, so this is destroying my mood.
Then unfortunately, there’s a friend of my ex’s who is trying to make sure I’m okay. But unfortunately his making me worse, his telling me about how angry she is at me, how much she hates me, how she never wants to see or hear from me again how she wasn’t bothered about what had happened…now I’m hoping his purpose for this was to explain she’s not being herself but it’s more like his rubbing it in my face.
My heart is completely shattered I didn’t think it could break anymore after the first time, but it has again I feel like his trying to hurt me now, he said the worst statement too…that aimee says I hurt her, this is the worst I feel guilty enough, Iv been racking my brain for the last 24hours as to how I did this, but I can’t work out why. I’m really sorry if you read this I didn’t mean to hurt you, I really didn’t. I just love you.

The pain in which I feel is unbearable, life is a blur, I do literally nothing anymore, I can’t go to work I have no where to live and I don’t get out of bed anymore, this isn’t a life, my brains so numb from aimee that it feels like it’s stopped completely.

I can’t cope with this much longer