I wanna help

So their is a couple of things on my mind atm, their not so bad its causing me any kinda issue, but im kinda stuck.

 

So she struggling she is really really struggling and i read how she says i get her like nobody else and i know this, i know this to well.

I read her blogs and they are becoming more and more devastating to read and try and take on board. I care so much about this girl i wish i could help.

The thing is i genuinely believe i could help, i know i could make her smile and be their for her. I came across some old pictures on Saturday night of us, they were from random weekends when she escaped “prison” lol and i seen the smile on her face standing in a bath and the smile from drinks together and i think that was a time when this was all new she was struggling to understand and yet we still tried our best and managed to smile and keep her spirits up together as a due, part of me wishes that i could have the chance to help her i think part her thinks the same too.

I cant make things any worse then this for her surely?

I made some bad judgments but im not a bad person, i never stopped caring and i just wish i could attempt to see if i can help.

Part of me really wants to talk to her try and be someone she turns to who helps lift her mood, whos there when no one else can. Who can offer a cuddle and tell her everything will be alright. I wanna invite to be my plus one at work xmas do or to fill my day off with a coffee…but im to scared to contact her, she told me not too. I pledged to myself i would respect her this time.

 

Anyway its not depressing me, im totally fine. I just wish i knew if i could help.

 

Happy blogging, enjoy your evenings while i work 😦

Crazy shifts

Couple mental shifts at work, I’m so pleased to have two done 🙂
But yesterday was crazy but I was so worried about someone special I let myself down, but I had to be prepared too I couldn’t not be worried was really scary to read but glad they are safe.

Today has like wise been crazy at work I didn’t stop for 12 hours it’s amazing what hard work 3 aeroplanes can cause you lol

But the main thing today was talk of the works xmas party, it’s a very swanky do in London everyone is taking their partners….an my invite was to jamie & A….yeah my ex 😦
I really wanna go I work with some lush people and would love to share my work family with the outside world shall we say lol
There would never be anyone else I would wanna take, there so many pilots who I’d love to introduce and my management and stuff, I’m not sad about it but just imagine in my head what I wish it was like.
People know we’re not together at work but it’s a subject not spoken about my boss was lush in saying she didn’t know what to put but if we were talking she didn’t wanna miss her off so gambled which is so canny of her 🙂

I have a good job, the people make me smile 🙂

 

Lay inn for me and Hump day tomorrow people, enjoy it 🙂

Nov 19th

November 19th is always a difficult day.
It’s a day that makes me think about life and it’s a day to miss and reflect for me.
Today’s been no different, 11 years ago today was the death of a friend I used to work with we had a very close little group, this young lady was very inspiring.
She was very bubbly was everyone’s friend and was always an ear to listen and advice given she was very fun and very wise.
I remember sharing with her the difficulty of living away from home at a young age she was great to offer advice and like she always said be happy, I’m not sure I ever seen her sad or miserable.
But today you remember a great person who never got to experience life she never got the opportunity to experience what everyone else takes for granted.
My reflections today have been over my ex partner the fact I know how ill she is the fact I miss her and the way in which this year transformed.

Then Iv read her blog and it describes how no one cares and how no one would be at her funeral, wish I could show her that people care and that she just doesn’t realise it.

So the 19th of months holds so much history for me and my ex and today I wish my friend was here to tell me what she thinks I should do next.

Life is very cruel at times, we lose people that don’t deserve it and people get sick and they don’t deserve it.

I wish I could change events that happen at times but you can’t.

This blog is for Natalie, reading all the amazing comments on her memorial page and the thanks from her family, you were a very special young lady and thank you for all the guidance and help someone has been looking out for me at times, but I need someone to look over someone else who remains special to me, she really needs help and I don’t want someone else to disappear.

 

stop asking why!

(this is a massive blog…sorry)

 

So i keep getting asked why?

Jamie, why do you care? why do you look? why do you listen? why do you keep persisting? why do you get so fed up? why do you let her bother you?

So many why’s but i get them all the time, i could try and explain why…but not one person will ever understand. What makes this more difficult is the way i am making myself look to the out side world and the way this then makes me feel.

So i am going to try my best to explain, to help me get it out….

The reason i have been trying my best to contact her is… i love her, i meet this girl may 19th 2016… a very Jamie moment happened, but made the date very memorable and would have been a story we always remembered. We started slowly, it was made difficult by other guys she had been with, but it still turned into a relationship, at times it was great at others not soo…how ever this was normal. We split and got back together more then the normal but we never really gave up on us… but it was her reaction to bad things happening, but its okay we always came back stronger…then the last time was a while there were alot of guys in between this and what brought us back together this time..was devastating.

We were brought together by me taking her to hospital after she had overdosed and didnt feel well, we had not been close for a while and this was her moment of need for me…i was not going to let her down, this was the moment i realised i loved her and also began a journey no human beings should ever have to experience.

I witnessed and held her hand through her wanting to end her life so much she took the tablets, she did not talk about or threaten she took them did it and could have died accidentally, what hit me was when the nurses wired her up and she took her top off… i adore this girl and have seen her body before however…this time i could look at her, i nearly threw up i couldnt look, i witnessed what she had done to her body and it looked unreal, her head was on someone else body, little did i know this was the start of it. Our lifes turned into doctors, nurses, blood tests, hospitals, eating schools, care workers…i can continue and everyone of these appointments was tough for me but even more so for her too.

What sticks in my mind was she walked to an appointment and her illness was so bad on taking her observations they were so low, she was sent to hospital her family couldnt take her so i came and took her. This trip sticks in my mind, she passed out on them taking blood but she had blood taken a million times, her arms looked like she abused drugs she was covered in bruises from blood tests, she passed out and was wheeled out on a bed, i was terrified we were battling this fight as a team yet also falling in love which each other all over again but this time it felt real more serious, to battle what we were together was something out of the norm and we were giving it a good go.

This night in hospital her machine would stop bleeping as her heart rate was so low she was so ill her organs had shrunk, a nurse even said out loud no way is that her heart rate (this filled us with confidence) this night i held her hand lay on her bed with her she didnt want to be alone and her family couldnt come, i stayed till i was thrown out but Aimee didnt realise how serious it was, as the well being one i sat and watched i could see the seriousness, i was watching my loved one step closer to death it was hard. I went to the car park to get ticket…i remember calling my friend and crying down the phone it was heart breaking but i had to remain strong for her.

I then remember taking the text asking me to be with aimee as they had found her a bed, me and aimee never believed this would happen or more we didnt want too. I was devastated and she didnt talk about it when she knew she made me an amazing dinner but was annoyed i hadnt eaten it lol

We made it to the wedding and this was the point i realised i wanted to marry this girl it was the greatest experience of my life, iv never laughed with someone so much never smiled so much and never experienced something so special with a group of people in my life.

Then hospital one happened, leaving aimee in hospital after i dropped her off was heart breaking no one will ever understand the feelings and emotions i had that day…i cried my heart out all the way home it was awful, but this hospital changed aimee. The depression changed her.. I witnessed her shouting at staff, running away, attempting suicide again her moods were really bad and aimee i know would never shout at anyone.

But with this became arguments it began to affect us, i picked her up for her familys friend funeral having had little sleep and was working nights, while she went to the toilet the staff explained she had to take a packed lunch or she couldnt leave, i explained i would put in the car and explain to her on our journey but unfortunately they told her… she ran out the hospital screaming ran to my car to find the lunch box and threw it across the car park to which i collected and threw in the boot. The whole journey she was shouting and crying at me or not saying anything this was the first sign for me Aimee had gone this broke my heart but as she was sick she had zero idea.

I was in communication with her hospital they called me regular as they wanted to update me on stuff and tried to invite me to groups to help support her, she hated this as she thought i was controlling here when i was just caring for my girlfriend.

She left for a new hospital and i was scarred she was leaving to come home to mine and die i was concerned if it took ages to find a new place she could die, but when telling her this she went off it again saying i didnt trust her believe her when it wasnt the case i was worried but this again showed how much this illness had gripped her. During this journey she tried to jump out the car at 60MPH we both nearly died, this illness was serious 😦 it was killing me to see her this way.

She came back to mine and food times were hard she would struggle at picking food and her frustration would come out on me, but you take it because you love them and would want them to understand for you. The last argument was i asked for us to not argue, she went mad run off in Sainsburys i tried to calm her down but had to leave as she was going to scream in the shop, i finally got her to calm down and after 10mins this moment had passed, it was draining…but it was annie not Aimee.

We had the greatest weekend ever, to the point we had looked at engagement rings. We were both pretty sure that we wanted to be together we had ups and downs but we were weirdly very solid and soulmates we got each other like nothing else.

But i said goodbye one Wednesday before work, i worried as she didnt say anything that day i was scarred for her…then it all changed she gave up on me, everything above had been forgotten and she no longer needed me or wanted me.

I couldnt understand this and her family turned against me, they began to blame my help it wasnt good enough and i shouted back in frustration, i had lost everything for zero reason the girl was sick no wanted to help support us as a couple and annie was telling Aimee and her family stuck by her decision, yet they didnt realise Aimee couldnt make any decision she was so ill which costa took hours or should she do costa etc.

People began to say she doesnt want you build a bridge, but it wasnt that Aimee who i stood next to in ireland would have never had done that or if she had been more civil to me done it as a mate as were best friends too. I knew this was anorexia and i had read this was normal she would push people away.

Then she began dating it killed me, my love was dating why? it is to get over me and not be lonely, but she couldnt see it was destroying me i loved her like i did when i took her to hospital yet as she got sick i became the problem i was evil i kept msging but yes i did because i believed in Aimee this was not her, i know the true Aimee and reading her blog makes me realise how sick she is.

I read how she liked one guys and now how a different one offers advice about how we couldn’t have been soulmates or we would be together or how one got a night with her then ignored her…yet im the one whos been removed from her life…. Yet would any of them stayed with her when she was struggling so bad she wanted to jump out of the car or wanted to die, or baked with her every day as it made her happy? would they have sat her mum down and explained her daughter was sick? would anyone have done what i did?

I dont think so, yet there all amazing and im nothing, so my outburst of frustration are at the illness it taken her away and its like shes been brain washed and everyone else is listening to what she says but not being logical.

Now my friends moan at me about how shes treated me why do you care, my family the same they say she knows what shes doing dont blame her illness…but these people didnt go through this journey theses people haven’t read about annie…like i said, how many people have said or done something when angry or fed up then regretted it or gone to buy something silly to feel better…it shows that when our head not straight we do silly things. I for one understand Aimee and know its her illness that is making her make these decisions. What i think is if i was ill, i would give my right arm for her to have stayed in my corner all the way. I cant give up on her even if now i may never hear from her again.

I had been feeling suicidal but this is purely because im alone, no one understands was im witnessing no one understand why i bother, im like a witness to a mistake behind a glass wall… and iv lost everything due to Anorexia.

But i am no part of this girls life and she says we cant be together because we argued to much…if only she could step out of Annie and see what i seen.

Today i have zero sleep before this night shift as i know she was having treat meant and i haven’t stopped worrying…what i wounder is how many of these amazing new people in her life care as much.

My dream is not to get her back, but her to acknowledge me be civil polite with me im not here to argue…I Just love a girl show been taken over and i may never see again, she may have died.

This doesn’t hurt its soul destroying, i waited all my life for her she was the girl of my dreams, i wanted to settle down and spend the rest of my life with her…but shes vanished, the only memory i have is the one standing in church holding my hand and whispering…can this be us, yes my little princess this will be us and her dad wanting to see her get married too…why Aimee anorexia why the one girl for me…. this is why to everyone of them questions.

Fuming

I’m so fucked off.

Why have I let someone ruin my life?

You do good and they wanna ruin your life?

You act civil and they don’t yet your wrong. An everyone else is right but your not. I’m really fucking angry I am so close to turning up somewhere I should to go abso mental at someone.

Finally had enough of there bullshit lies, I read one more thing that’s wrong and il kick off.

I’m fully aware everything that’s happening is everyone else’s input and I know who Inputted yesterday’s too some fucking stranger…what the hell is wrong with people.

So how am I to believe everything I experienced was correct?

I have done nothing wrong.

I’m sick of it now, Iv lost time everything and this is how I’m thanked not even civilisation.

When you trust someone so much and they act like your evil past

 

Give up

I’m done, I can’t do anymore.

 

im sick of being depressed, Iv tried and tried and tried and tired and tried with Aimee and it’s messed me up.

 

Dont see the point in anything anymore I’m done.

 

i can’t say sorry anymore

 

i give up on this shit life

Rubbish

Feeling rubbish today.

I wanted to call in sick for work, I had the worst sleep ever all 1 hour of it.

I literally have given up today, Iv zero motivation zero care in the world.

I can’t stand being lonely, being alone invisible last night destroyed me and mixed with my ex saying she meet her soulmate (me) but needed to get out.
I can’t get my head around it, she told me she wanted to marry me and couldn’t see a life with out me, yet because she got ill and argued with me because her struggles that means we were toxic, we came through hell to get in a good place before the illness.
An not one person in the world can understand why I’m so bothered still, she explained it last night soulmates, we just clicked we literally got each other knew each other instantly…the girl version of myself….for this feeling along is why I don’t give up not because I’m a stalker or crazy I just no Aimee.
I’m so lonely because I don’t want anyone else I want her, no one compares to how we got each other this is the feeling I can’t explain so I’m pleased to read that but also completely devastated the really rubbish reason this is all happening.
I know peoples inputs will as ever be influences which is so unfair.

But I literally can’t bare this loneliness I have no one, I work I sleep I work I sleep…I would give anything to go back in time anything!!!