Last day

So tomorrow is a huge day for me. The first time since I moved home I found a job I loved made lots of friends and felt comfortable.
Crew email me to wish me luck and share there sadness at me saying goodbye and thank me for being “funny” which is a great compliment people want to take me for a beer…it makes me appreciate my character.

Recently my character has played a huge part of my mood, I regret choices I have made the stupid stupid mistakes I Made and the massive consequences I have paid.

But I have made to feel exceptionally
Special and appreciated. You know what Iv messed I’m an idiot abso idiot however I’m me, I’m harmless and I’m actually a decent person.
Sat in the bar alone again tonight and maybe it’s me maybe I’m meant to be alone, I’m not a bar person maybes someone who seriously want me will be interested who’s knows.

But I do know tomorrow is going to be tough and very sad, but Iv loved every minute of this job, I know I will be back to help out with a couple of bits but people’s reaction to me has proved to me who I truly am….I’m not that bad and am clearly good at my job 🙂

….current thoughts

So decided that I wanted to explain what i am thinking right now.

Life….like what happened? Why does this happen to me, well both me and my ex partner, we have both had a seriously tough time and it make no sense I thought we were both pretty decent people.

So sat in the hotel bar earlier on my own, I got thinking about what I used to have and what I have now, Iv lost everything I ever wanted in my ex partner the woman of my dreams the girl I wanted to be my wife.

She is absolutely perfect, to me she will always hold a special place in my heart. Her blogs make me sad, she has done so incredible well over the past 12months she made some steps forward I don’t think many people could, the bravery and courage required to do it day in day at is out of this world, she even today continues to make me proud. I am sad that a guy has made her feel she needs to lose weight and ultimately began her self harm again, she is so much better then that. It makes me sad as she’s worked so hard and to hear her so lonely is hard to hear as I am experiencing exactly the same feeling.

But I don’t want to hear we hate each other as it’s not true, life has not dealt us great cards but it dealt them and we have to use them, she’s always going to be extremely special to me as I believe she is the most incredible girl I have ever meet.

To you if you read, please don’t listen to people’s opinions your opinion is what matters and that I still do and always will care about. I hold zero grudges about court I understand that this wasn’t the intention, I am always here and always will be and keep fighting ana you control Aimee not ana.

Life is crazy and it continues to get crazier

Bit p***ed off

What has happened today…

I was at work minding my own business when someone from my past msg me I still to this moment have no idea why, thought he was being nice to me but now from other blogs I think his been stirring the pot.

I am fine, I wrote some rubbish blogs recently but I’m struggling a little with life not people or past issues. I have 3 shifts lefts at a job I adore and have been back a week from an amazing weekend away with the boys….the mixture of work and holiday blues is sad, my friend has stopped talking to me…so it’s been tough but it’s no ones fault.

I was msging earlier thinking that he cared he wanted to do some good, but to read there sad and upset tells me his done completely the opposite.

Life atm is exceptionally difficult, don’t make it even harder for us!!!

Then to top it off my mum has msgs from a conversation nothing to do with us…Iv no idea what’s happening today.

But I’m in bed already and I just wanna be left alone.

Thoughts right now

This is a blog of two thoughts,

I have just watched loved island and I agree with a blog I read earlier about it being terrible to base on looks when love is about personality and that is the truth I couldn’t agree more.

But when you watch there reaction to each other and they enjoy small touches and believe they are attributes of a special relationship, yet I had that.

Me and my ex used to be very close we were extremely affectionate, we used to sing with each other laugh for hours on end and play silly games, we could sing out loud rude songs or cartoon theme tunes we could walk to the street at 1am through boredom or go to the shops dressed as a tramp as we didn’t care, we would walk in the rain In wellies through thick mud, we would be clown around at the seaside…our love was not worrying about what’s right, what’s wrong, what’s normal what’s not, what mattered was we did it together and we always did stuff with a smile and laughing 🙂 who fist pumps there girlfriend or pretends to be superman walking through busy London…. it was just us 🙂

I smile when I write this I smile a lot, but that doesn’t describe how I feel right now. I’m sad that I stupidly messed up i stupidly thought I could change her mind when in fact I made her mind up if I had walked away we would have been fine, she’s the girl I was meant to marry.

Instead Iv spent the last few days planning to do something real stupid, I have been drinking lots and lots I don’t sleep anymore I throw the empty bottles away over the back garden, I pulled the razor blade apart to enable the blade to cut me, I have decided to cut deep along my shoulder so I feel the pain more and all the time, I have googled torture techniques to torture myself…why you say it’s stupid yeah it’s completely stupid but no one understands everything is different this time I don’t date I hate online dating, I don’t check social media. I don’t get out of bed anymore…why? What is the point? My phone remains on 90% all day I don’t get any msgs apart from group chats that aren’t aimed at me. I don’t eat anymore because I can’t be bothered.

I am due to travel to Heathrow on Sunday and I have been planning a suicide attempt, I have also brought something silly online at the thought of drinking it to hurt myself…it’s extreme and stupid, but no one knows what it’s like to have literally nothing at all living your life in anger at your self and missing someone so much it hurts. Longing to hear from some love but just being the hate in there life.

I’m not sure il blog anymore, but I need to get out of this mess and everyone keeps saying time and your be fine but no, I feel worse!!

Giving up

I have been thinking about life and right now I have zero motivation, what is the point in me being alive?

I literally have nothing at all not a single thing in the whole wide world no one to talk to nothing, all I have is a court hearing soon and I’m still on police bail.

i don’t intend to attend court, I don’t wanna be around that long. I knew life was going to be difficult but life changing isn’t the word I have just lost everything, losing my friend tonight is just the nail in the coffin I can’t take any more.

like my ex describes I am an awful human being there must be a reason people don’t wanna be around me, I have literally nothing going for me nothing to show for 31 years on this planet I am a waste of space and oxygen there is literally no one who would give one shit if I died they probably would even know.

infact the only reaction would be happiness from my ex, she hates me so much.

 

just wish I had anyone literally anyone to turn too.

 

I just want to die right now, Iv never felt so empty and pointless in my life

Rock Bottom

I have hit the bottom of a massive hole. I have literally lost everything I have, my job my friends my girlfriend I have lost everything.

I am losing a job I love, I can’t work the job I got I have to give up my dream of flying. On top of that I lost my girlfriend and best friend she was my everything, now my only other friend in Essex can’t talk as her boyfriend doesn’t like it and my only other friend left in Newcastle won’t talk to me as she doesn’t like what my ex has done but I had a go as people don’t realise it all my own fault.

I literally have nothing at all, no money either and now I have to pay for a solicitor and brace myself for a big fine too.

I’m struggling right now to work out what is my purpose on this planet, this last month has been the worst of my life it has completely been awful and I can’t take much more of it, I have never been so lonely.

I literally talk to no one.

I can’t take anymore

Life choices

I failed my childhood, I was bullied as a child at school for being a twin, I was beaten and abused by my dad and given up by my parents on multiple occasions, there was a time my parents wanted to put us in to care but couldn’t as they had no reason to do so other then the fact I wasn’t wanted.
This experiences and moments have scared deep with my heart and brain and no amount of laughing will wipe the moments.
I’m not the most confident of people and I sometimes feel my life experiences and situations have all played a part in creating a DNA I have to live with.
I don’t enjoy it at all, I don’t hate Jamie but I hate my DNA the functions of my brain, it has carved the life I have and live today.
I find it extremely difficult to engage on relationships, fear of loss, rejection, failure are all feelings that are associated to every single part of my past and scare me.
I meet people and tend to feel still so alone due to my brain reminding me of the past experiences.
I unfortunately have never experienced love, my family never made me feel loved to be able to trust and turn to.
Love is to have trust in someone and to feel safe, after everything I have been through my brain doesn’t believe I will ever experience love.
One person made me fall in love, made butterflies fly and made my fall head over heels with her character. She made me forget these demons and made me believe there was a future for me and it was with her too.
But my DNA made me lose control of my feelings when she rejected me, being so scared made things much more worse then they should have been.
We shared something incredible our relationship was special but what we shared was her battle against a deadly illness.
We were a team through it and she succeeded not because of me but with me, it was black moment as I sat and watched my only love cry, drip of blood from self harm, I watched her destroy her body and cry with the struggles of life…but most of all I watched her lay in a hospital bed more then once trying to end her life.
It’s awful and indescribable but to me especially it’s the only person I ever believed and trusted with my love.
When she said she didn’t love me I fell to peaces the moment was the worst of my life. She has more value to me then any other human being I have ever meet.
Right now I paint a brave face, I have changed my life quickly to being healthier and busier the changes I should have made before being alone.
But I still have moments to my self that are hard but I can’t tell anyone and my best friend….she is the person I am describing. I struggle with how much I adore her and how much she hates me, I would like to think deep down it’s not that but I can’t stop thinking it, the one person I want to associate with my life being a person or a memory hates you is soul destroying.
Everyone around me is happy and In love and I’m lost when it comes to my love it’s lost and broken, I miss her every single day and every single second and I can’t stop thinking about her.
I can’t date as I’m not ready, I have changed my mentality massively again which I tackle when single but it doesn’t fix my broken heart.
I wish I had not reacted the way I did and wish that I could tell someone the three words that mean so much I love you.
I pray for forgiveness and I will continue to for the rest of my life, I will carry the weight of regret on my own shoulders and know that I will never experience the life I deserved with out her and I will never ever forget her and what she did for Jamie to help make me even better.

I am not a bad person, I try very hard and care so much about others to much at times, but my brain DNA ruins my life choices.

I have come home to nothing the only person out of 10 who has no one, no one has asked how it was no one to share my experience with.

i am 31 I want to be happy, I want a wife and family my place and a future to be excited for.

i wanted to spend everyday having fun with my best friend and experiencing life with them to but I ruined everything.

 

Today we said drunken that we need to go home and think about our life choices, but I really have done just this. An I’m very emotional for challenging them.