Made my punishment 

So I read earlier how she punishing her self and somthing earlier reminded me of her. I now instantly get annoyed at myself, I caused all this it’s my fault she hurts her self I don’t deserve to get away with making her ill.

I looked forward to coming home to hide away with the razor blade, I now decide that when I do somit wrong or feel guilty il scratch away and watching the blood and feeling the sting is what I deserve.

That’s just little but it’s visible, it’s a reminder to me everyday for how I ruined her life I hate it infact it makes me feel sick.

But I can’t get away with this.

It’s getting harder to cope

How have I got into this hole?
Where is the ladder out? 
I’m crying as I write this, Iv blood on my pillow and my arms soar…why am I doing this 😢😢😢 

I was supposed to go out but I can’t leave the house 😢😢
I got ready to go out and didn’t wanna, so Iv sat in bed and cut the edge of my razor the have just a blade on it, I cut my arm the other day but high up out the way…this time it’s visible 😢😢 why why am I doing this 😢
I have tried talking to my only friend and she doesn’t get it so I’m keeping it all to myself, im so lost atm I don’t anything I’m not bothered by anything and I feel so lonely yet weirdly I’m always getting offers to go out but I’m not interested by any of them 😢
I don’t understand how this has happened again the last two weeks are worse then ever 😢
How did my perfect life turn to this hell 

Wake me from this nightMare

Iv woken up and my heads pounding…I’m sweating yet it’s freezing 😦
It’s Aimee, Aimee Aimee bloody Aimee it’s always Aimee lol all day i was thinking about her, I was meant to be working today and part of it was to be in London I spent 3 hours exploring…all it made me do was think of her 😦
I miss her sooo much, nobody has any idea how much she means to me, she’s my absolute world I’d literally die for this girl. I wouldn’t left her for the world even when she was so ill I would never have given up on her intact I loved her so much it made her split up with me 😦
I hurt every second of every day, because she hates me I blame myself every day because she hates me. But I love to peace’s even now I’d marry her tomorrow if I could, I watched a program and they were talking about engagements and how they asked they laughed about spending there life with one person…I can’t imagine my life with anyone else, I don’t wanna experience all the scary things life has to throw at us with anyone else but my crazy soulemate…the girl version of me 😦
Every girl I talk to I compare to her no one in the world is her, no one has her personality her heart and not even close her beautiful face.

Iv seen a pic of her from tonight and I cried, I just miss her so much she is the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world she is absolute perfection, Iv never ever ever been so envious of guys she chats too.
I’m really fed up atm and there a girl who wants come to mine tomorrow because she worried about me, she doesn’t no me very well but she’s worried about me…it’s nice someone cares but I can’t let her come here…it’s only Aimee that’s ever been to mine and this girl as lush as she is doesn’t even come close to the girl I called my princess 😦
My heart really hurts my head really hurts… this is the worst heart ache ever.
I want to and will write a blog I’m working on to paint the true picture of Aimee, but I want it to read perfect and that’s because she is perfect.
I am talking to my self when I say this but I love you every day no less if anything even more, I’d give my right arm for 5mins with her again, the most perfect girl regardless of what anorexia has done she’s still the girl of my dreams literally.
Night night world…if I don’t wake up from the nightmare..I don’t wanna wake up 😦  

Not much left 

Today was weird.
But I can’t take any more, I cancelled my date tonight. I’m gone. My minds gone.

The last week or two have been right back to square one, seeing her online dating has pushed me over the edge.

I can’t bare it intact.

I have been blogging again just speaking my thoughts and they back fire she calls me the past and how I paint a picture of a bitch….she has no idea the picture I paint of her. I point out everything yeah it comes across bad it is the truth but it’s not the picture I can paint.

I read how she so lonely she talks anyone and how she wants this that and the other and I know it’s not what she wants and it’s probs to hurt me even more but it does it kills me. I sat in Hyde park today it was packed but I just starred into space feeling lost I am lost, Iv lost everything I ever dreamed of…for the life of me can’t think what I did 😢 I can’t stop cutting myself atm but it’s not enough, I wanted to drive into a lorry on the way home or prayed the underground would crash, stepping out in the street deliberately, I ignore everyone’s calls my family, lisa my friends everyone I don’t tx anyone back Iv had enough.

I hate me, I hate what Iv done to Aimee every second of everyday I hate me, I don’t know what I did but it must have been awful and I still continue to do it, I thought I’d be spending my birthday with her instead I don’t wanna make it to 31. I hate how it’s my fault she’s ill, I hate it’s my fault she’s sad, it’s my fault she’s lonely, it’s all my fault. I wanna say sorry but even that I mess up.
I messed up in the past but was a different person I wanted to make a Mense I thought I was helping her 😦 I clearly didn’t do enough or do it good enough 😦
I hate me…no one will notice me gone!!!! I can’t carry on with this guilt it’s destroying me.
I’m sorry isn’t enough but I am 😢I’m so sorry 😢 
Will this ever end 😢 

London thinking 

Lots to think about choices to make where better to think then London, currently attempting to be a tourist on my own. Very bizarre feeling but comfort zones need pushing. Embankment is a crazy place lol
I have people in my head people go don’t listen to me people who wanna be in my life people I can’t have in my life and people who read situations wrongly.
There’s so much but also so little at the same time. I’m scarred bumping into her while here too petrified.
Iv been bullied, beaten and all sorts yet never has anyone hated me so much, it’s a feeling I abso hate and really don’t understand what makes it worse is it’s by someone I truely loved.
My weeks seem to get worse not better 😦 

Misinterpreted again

It’s been misinterpreted again.
I’m being described as nothing a complete nothing. Just the past.

I’m described like the worst thing ever, like did I imagine everything that happened?
I don’t try and make anyone feel bad it’s me that’s made to feel bad. I was made to feel this is my fault and knowing what my weakness is, there fully aware I would struggle in this situation.

So making me feel awful, ignoreing me and make me feel responsible knowing this would make me suffer.
I don’t paint any pictures or the one they think is actually wrong. 
I just don’t understand what ever happened, how did it go from helping someone to them then hating you. Then now because I blog and say I struggle I’m the one who’s causing all the pain…
IM NOT DOING ANYTHING … I just miss you, an I have no closure 😦
I will never understand why I’m being punished.
I’m so sad 😦 this is the worst Iv felt and her dating is destroying me 😦
I’m at work now and staring at the scissors….is it a good idea?? 😦
How has this bloody happened 

Im a mug 

So Iv had to bin sharp objects that were in my room. I woke up today and I had blood everywhere I had just caught some them that’s all and must gone every where.I’m starting look at myself and panic, I can see Iv lost loads weight. I can’t even type that with out feeling sick.
But I’m starting to discover my bullying of myself isn’t self guilt as much as I thought. 

It’s anger at my self, I’m angry with myself that I’m doing this to myself, I’m angry I’m letting someone else ruin my life make me sick ruin my dreams everything because I’m letting it.

I’m angry at myself for trusting someone for putting so much in, time effort money everything I had because I thought she was the one…I’m angry I’m such a mug I’m angry I didn’t listen to voice she’s too good.

What’s the point in being a nice person if people see that as weakness and a reason to exploit it.
I have no life, she has a better life then me and I let it. I don’t do anything, I’m always ill coz I don’t eat I can’t meet new people because I still love her and I’m scarred il be treated like this again.
It’s on my mind 24/7 everyday second, I’m a true mess. I don’t know even no what I would want from her to help but Iv asked, if it’s forgiveness (for nothing) a hello even a thank you for helping her anything.. just every time I see her online dating it kills me, it makes me think what we had was nothing all these feelings I have are fake. I can’t imagine after everything and no real reason for a break up how easy it is to then go online dating while sick which why we aren’t together.
I read blogs and stuff I agree and wanna point out told you so…but I’m not that person. I’m not angry at her, I’m angry at me…my punishment is Aimed at myself.
I don’t think this is gonna end to well for me. I’m out ideas out of luck and there’s no one that can or wants to help me.