Probation Officer

So today I had to visit my probation officer, il repeat that so it makes sense “my probation officer” Yeap I’m officially a criminal.
I can’t shift this awful headache I have as I haven’t been sleeping stressed and worried about this.
It was intense, talking about my life but mainly my relationship with my ex, so many questions… why did you split, why did you love her, how do you know you loved her, what would you say if you seen her, would you wanna talk to her…. my head is battered. But the question asked the most and the hardest is ..”so why do think she asked for a no contact order for 12months?, if she loved you why did she ask for it?” …. I said because she hates me…to which I got “then she didnt love you” it was tough very tough. “Do you think she will contact you”….no I don’t
But she was understanding towards it all from both sides of the story, which was nice I didn’t appreciate the comments made in court from the duty solicitor about “your better off away from it, it’s done you a favour, lucky escape” none of that could b further from the truth.
But the nicest comment of the day is your not a bad man at all, sometimes good people also get in trouble for stuff out of there control to a degree.

Which is nice to hear, I have been feeling like the scum of the earth about all this. She asked when I’m feeling down what do you think….. an it’s what I’m thinking right now, what a complete and utter mess this is, I miss her so much 😦
Off to London tonight, need to get back to work and busy…..these are such hard times when will they ever end

Getting sick and tired of it now

So I decided to share my dream from today as it was so real I can’t stop thinking about it.

I finish work soon and then return back to Essex to sleep and have two days at home.
So I got home I slept and woke up normal time around lunch and as I make a cup of tea the front door goes I panic to put clothes on and open up the door and expect the postman with a parcel but no it’s my ex standing there with a smile on her face, then I woke up it was so real I literally jumped my heart was racing I couldn’t sleep at all after.
What id for that to actually happen.
Then tonight while I’m busy at work I have that still on my mind but I get a text from someone I am clearly ignoring telling me his talking to my ex again…why would you need to tell me that? An why would I want to know this?
You keep going on and on about how you care and wanna help, how on Earth will it help me rubbing it in that your talking to someone I’m really missing atm??
Got a million and one things going on atm, I don’t appreciate any of this right now.
You can’t be nice to me one minute, then horrible to me, then call me this that and the other then wanna be my friend then wanna rub stuff in my face.

Starting to get sick and tired of it!


I don’t hold on to the past or try to make life change from what it is today. I physically can’t change anything and my life can’t be on pause living in what ifs or maybes.

My path is different and life is so different, but as I sit here watching some trashy tv program where people are defining there definition of love and at the moment love is something massively on my mind.
I could have a total new life if I let it, someone new has made it very clear they are falling for me…I don’t understand how this seems to happen to me, but is a moral boost none the less.

But I can’t explain the feelings I have right now, I still only want to marry one girl a girl who is the most beautiful, caring and amazing girl I ever meet. Life gave us an impossible task and the whole experience has been life changing.
Moments I cried, moments she cried moments of sadness but moments of joy, moments of laughter and even more moments of laughter.
I now know the meanings of words I only ever read or sang about before and believe in love, soulmates and best friends too.
I miss Random walk in rain and mud, I miss strolls along the beach, drinks in all sorts of pubs and meals in our favourite restaurants, singing in the car, trips away and the smile on the selfies the amazing cooking and cakes and just the general smile I had as I walked the street proud of someone else.

The roller coaster may have stopped the ride may now be broken but the adventure I took and the moments we shared with live with me forever and no body can ever take them away.

I have been receiving messages from someone trying to make me hate my past and even seek revenge on her, but maybe you can read this and read my words this way as you don’t understand my silence, it’s me saying thank you for your care and I understand, but we don’t live in a black and white world and only one other human being who gets why and that’s all that matters too me.

I don’t care about the drama, I don’t care about the tears, I will never get to hold hands, kiss good night, cuddle, buy a disarano or so much as even lay my eyes on my soulmate ever again in my life…so someone trying cause more trouble, I don’t and I’m sure she doesn’t appreciate.

I am fully aware she is the only one who can contact me, your comments don’t help pointing the obvious is not helping.

I do miss…

I have been dating etc and feeling happy and I am trying everyday to continue it.

But all of a sudden, can’t believe I am actually gonna say this I miss my ex…a lot. I told my friend earlier and she said how? How can you after everything you have been through?
I sat in court last week and I told myself I would never ever let myself think this, but I can’t help it, I would probably forgive her tbh.

I got thinking about all the fun we had the life style we lived just the two people we were the couple I always dreamed of being “that couple” and yeah I miss it.

Doesn’t make me weak to say I miss someone regardless of what ya happened, I understand it and yeah…I get it all. Guess it shows me how much she meant to me.

Been an odd day today, but found my self in the London commute day dreaming about her.

Maybe I am crazy, but I can’t help how I feel atm.

Had too…

….I was angry at stages recently and people say I should hate, but I don’t and I can’t explain why because I don’t wanna say it, but I really don’t all I hate is the outcome caused nothing else.

I still care and am here as always, I may never see or laugh with again but I am here and still wanna remain here for only reasons they know nobody else and I don’t need to explain.

As I read something sad my urge to be at a bar with them tonight is massive more then ever.

Be safe and be sensible, your never alone

Been a while

So I haven’t blogged in a while.

My life has been torn apart ripped up, set on fire and slowly put back together.
My job, my lifestyle, me personally everything has changed but change is good for everyone.
I do smile again, I do the living thing, I am social and mix, I’m getting back to my best.
I have experienced some of the worst most difficult times, being treat like a criminal is the worst experience of my life which I won’t ever forget and Iv also experienced one of my best friends getting married which was amazing but like wise heart breaking as I still sat and wished it was me and my ex at the time.
I have been angry at times and sad at others but I drove past my ex yesterday and my heart skipped a beat and went mad, it shouldn’t have. I also read her blog and smiled I remember the life style the fun the smiles the laughs and randomness.

I shouldn’t be saying this and I won’t do anything about it, but I would do anything to have a drink with her I just wanna go the middle of no where just me and her and laugh with her again. But I accept she doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore.

I can’t think this, but….it doesn’t matter.

New blog

Nice to see my blog was read and your very narrow minded msg sums it up for me lol

So I don’t want my last blog to be a moan at someone so I actually wanted to blog at her for the first time in ages.

I can’t comment on her blogs for some odd reason.

But I wanna say please don’t look back on you old life and image as something to envy, you need to keep comparing then and now and look at the beautiful women you have become.
Your beauty is on the inside like everyone else really but you also show it on the outside too, I am sure you are very popular with the guys even more.

You should look at the pictures though and see the smile you had and remember it wasn’t because the way you look but more the fact you tried so hard everyday every second to become who you are today and the smile was to show the hard work you put in, that smile is what makes me proud even to this day, but the road you travelled the mile stones you made and the s*** you smashed to get where you are is abso remarkable I envy your courage.

But remember as you said earlier so what if you eat so what what your weight you will never change who you are by a weight a number a dress size, you will always be the amazing girl people love and totally adore.

People want to be around you for a reason…’s for being you. Never stop being you.

That picture makes me smile as i remember it well.

Sorry for the story lol I don’t even know if she reads these anymore.
But Iv spent the whole day sunbathing and am about to get ready to go to London for the rest of the week, my life has changed so much it’s madness but something that will never change is the fondness I have for her and the sense of proudness I still carry from a remarkable person.

No ones input or plain nastiness will make me hate that girl so nice try mate but….no!!